WEAVING DAYDREAMS AND DISTORTING LULLABYES

on my mind

2008-06-06T11:18:00.002+08:00

has anyone really asked whats on my mind? or what im feeling right now? ever since i got back for this stupid vacation, people have done nothing but judge me. nobody ever bothered to ask whats been up with me, for real. if anyone really cares, heres the truth:

im in pain. the mental exhaustion is horrible. worse, the emotional fatigue is just unbearable. i dont wanna be in this place anymore. i wanna go home. but familial obligations just constrain me. and some loser had to sue on false claims, ruining my vacation even more and extending my visit too. then my barkada? well seriously, i dont feel at home with them. ive seen before my very eyes how they have taken a side. and i dont fault them for that. but i will not bear with it either. thats just being too plastic of me. so yes, i dont want to be with u guys. you make me feel so...evil.

i just wanna do what i want. for the first time, i want to be selfish. i want to think of myself. but i dont think im built that way. maybe i should try. after all this is my life.

i love you

2008-03-11T07:44:00.000+08:00

i just do. got a problem with that? :)

smile

2008-02-06T05:30:00.000+08:00

after one hell of a roller coaster ride with family and personal problems, it's nice to have a smile on my face right now. and i have gene to thank for that. he's seriously one of my favorite brods of all time. extremely charming, which gives him an edge over my romeo (because i think they look alike). anyway, the good thing about talks with gene is that everything seems to be so easy. this laid back guy can make things look so uncomplicated, so simple. i guess now i have something to look forward to everyday - catching up with him.

gene, in the rare event that you do find this blog, know that you made a great difference for me today. so, thank you.

St. Elmo's Fire

2008-01-30T23:54:00.000+08:00

Growin' up you don't see the writing on the wall
Passin' by, movin' straight ahead you'd knew it all
But one day sometime when you feel the pain
You'll find you're all alone, everything has changed.
Play the game, you know you can't quit until it's won
Soldier on, only you can do what must be done
You know in some ways you're a lot like me
You're just a prisoner, and you're tryin to break free
I can see the new horizon underneath the blazing sky
I'll be where the eagles flyin higher and higher
Gonna be a man in motion, all i need's a pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin, St. Elmo's fire.
Burnin up, dont know just how far that I can go
Soon be home, only just a few miles down the road.
I can make it, I know I can
You broke the boy in me, but you won't break the man.
Just once in his life a man has his time, and my time is Now, I'm coming
alive -
I can hear the music playin, i can see the banners fly
Feels like you're back again and hope riding high
Gonna be your man in motion, all i need's a pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin St. Elmo's fire
I can climb the highest mountain, cross the wildest sea
I can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin in me

burnin, I can feel it burnin in me.

too much of others

2008-01-30T23:16:00.000+08:00

why can't people understand that there are things that you have to do for yourself? i'm sick and tired of walking on eggshells to make sure everyone is alright with the decisions i am making. i know that pops is right - whatever decision i make, it will always have an effect on other people. fine, i get that. but i will not make the decision based on how other people would feel because at the end of the day, how does that decision make me feel? and how does that change my life? i find it unfair that people are pulling the guilt trip on me. you think that's not selfishness? please. i've thought about this long and hard. everyone knows that. i'm doing this for me and not for anyone else. if that's selfishness, so be it. after all, it's my life. and for the first time, i'm making things happen for myself and not for anybody else.

AS LOVERS GO :)

2007-07-25T12:08:00.000+08:00

by Dashboard Confessional

She said "I've gotta be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
And I said "you must be mistaken,
I'm not fooling... this feeling is real"
She said "you gotta be crazy,
What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?
"You've got wits, you've got looks,
You've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong.
All wrong.
But you got me...

I'll be true, I'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you...
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

And I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.
You've got wits... you've got looks,
You've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?

Tonight.
Tonight.
But you've got me...

I'll be true, I'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you...
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

you know i miss you too...
and i love mickey d's spaghetti more.

simple things that make me smile

2007-07-22T15:19:00.000+08:00

so i saw marie in loyola the other day and i asked her how she was. she looked at me with a sad face - pat! im unhappy! omg i feel the same way. bar review has really put a strain on me. hindi na ako masaya talaga. i know that this is like the last step to my dream but darnit. its so freaking exhausting! so kanina while i was driving home, i thought of things that lessen the unhappiness in my life now...and here's a list in no particular order:

spoiling harry potter 7 for myself - yes! i read the last few pages! yeah! i know that october ko pa siya mababasa and people refused to spoil the ending for me so i did it myself! and yes, im less unhappy!
a round of beer and a veneto pizza - this actually includes never-boring conversations with babes (who's turning 125 years old soon!!!!)
med students studying for the upcoming boards - at least i get to talk about other things other than law di ba? luc, tiger and edwin: ang lapit na ng exams niyo!
boxing and muay thai - my stress relievers. makasapak lang ako ng isa kay daniel ok na ako eh! hehe. and i hit him like once every 3 rounds. oh geez.
new found friends - ELLAINE and DRIC who keep me bound to law school ties. Dric, i crush you. haha! o, yung petroleum jelly ha and your boxing schedule!
miami ink and new tatts - this includes meeting new people (i hope wally's tatt healed already and that jay gets a funny one for his birthday hehe) and even if joe placed one hell of a big kick ass tatt on my back (and even if its terribly itchy now coz its peeling) im happy because it brought me a lot of energy
short talks with the sisses who i miss so much
cakes, balloons, ice cream and clowns - enough said
bootleg dvds of my favorite shows especially season 6 of scrubs and 24! addictive!
caleb, my youngest nephew, who looks like a longganisa.

i'll add more when i remember them. i really just had to put ellaine and dric here. yihee! special mention!

Romans 12:19

2007-05-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

"Vengeance is mine," sayeth the Lord.

"Ok, Lord," sayeth Pat.

grad senti moment II - the ateneo law basketball team

2007-03-21T09:39:00.000+08:00

when i read this email from rebo, i got teary-eyed. i spent four years with the boys. i love the ones who have graduated. i love the ones who decided to leave. i love the ones who are remaining. i love most my batchmates, and my brothers. this year was even more nakaka-attach. now, i have nothing to look forward to at 10pm. time to move on? nah. we have yet to snag the crown!

IN THESE BOYS... HOPE IS A MUSCLE

by Rebo Saguisag

In 2003, Pat Bautista asked me to formally coach the Ateneo Law School Varsity. Why not? After all, I have been with the team since 1999. Plus, Pat's batchmates were a talented bunch, and like me, a junkie, and we naturally gravitated to one another. But for three straight years, we were knocked off in the eliminations. In fairness, the tournament is not really a great measure of ability with its knock-out format. You lose, you go home. No opportunity to adjust as with a seven game series.

And yet, we never offered any excuse. It just seemed like when it came to crunch time, the Ateneo Blue Eagles-a "finesse" law school team of nice boys from even nicer backgrounds-somehow lacked the scrappy, hard-driving desire to go all the way. But now, led by the strong backcourt of seniors Jang Moreno and Jun Sañosa, with the addition of a legitimate slotman in Raymond Yap, and everyone playing beyond their personal best (especially TJ Rocamora and Paul Imperial), this is their year to prove themselves. Their season to test their passion for the sport and their loyalty to each other. Their time to discover who they really are.

We didn't get the ending we wanted. Di naman kami plastic. But it was quite a season, we swept and dominated the eliminations by an average winning margin of 30.5 points. We got into the semifinals for the first time in seven years! Now we were in the company of winners--San Sebastian (2004 champions), San Beda (2006 and this year's champions) and we even got the better of UP who were champions in 2005. This is a vast improvement where in year's past when we would be dismissed as push-overs. This time we are seeded.

But more importantly, I wanted to see how we would respond to our heart-breaking semi-final loss. Vince Lombardi said that "Real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That's real glory. That's the essence of it." And we did come back. In style.

Here is a look at the individuals who made it happen. (In alphabetical order)

Pao “twinless” Abarquez

After almost riding the bench in most pre-season games and playing garbage minutes in the elimination lop-sided wins, Paolo earned very important minutes in the semis and the battle for third. The reason? Hard-nosed defense. Paolo doesn't back down from anybody. Reminiscent of older twin brother Carlo who didn't want to come out in a game last year despite a bloodied face.

MJ “the rookie” Bayang

Faster than a speeding bullet and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound-that's MJ. Also, with a high basketball IQ and other qualities that could make him one of the future leaders of the team. Loves his Ipod and will drink, drink,. drink, drink…STRAIGHT UP!

Paul “m.i.a.” Cervantes

A talented scorer who unfortunately just had to play behind Jang Moreno. But given the opportunity, he can surely do the same, if not more.

Jonas "baby bratinello" Cruz

A deadly perimeter shooter from 15 feet in, runs the court well, can slash and with a patented spin move. The team's official outfitter. Doesn't drink but speaks like he is always high--on ganja.

Carlo "Beefcake" Escalada

Probably in the best shape he has ever been. But more importantly, was finally able to exploit his massive frame to annihilate opponents. Mentos-tough on the outside but soft inside--claims he will not play next year-because it will not be the same without his batchmates---aaaawwww-baduy!

Paul “coahc’s man” Imperial

Not specifically adept at anything but will give you a little of everything-with a passion that whips the blood. Including showing everyone that you can swipe a card when you order pizza. One of two breakthrough players of the year.

Ian “the sacrificial co-captain” Mondragon

Sacrifice? That's Co-captain Mondy. He insisted to be part of the team even as a reserve (he did deserve to be part of the core anyway). Also an unfortunate guy who had to play behind Raymond Yap. He did play quality minutes, grabbing rebounds, making blocks and blocking out opponents. By the semis, he had an added role-as assistant coach.

Paulo “the enforcer” Paulino

Very, very hardworking who will sacrifice his body just to get the ball. Crashes the boards with impunity.

Paolo “SioPao” Rodriguez

One of the best pure shooters there is with an even greater attitude. Did not mind his limited exposure because he knows his time will come. And it will.

Darryl “all-the-way” Santos

Mr. No fear and a tough one on one defender.

The starters:

Lean “kahit may sakit” Abarquez

Lean's best game this year was in a victory against arch-rival San Sebastian. We were only eight. Though a tune-up game, it was played in San Sebastian. The magnifico ocho gave it their all in front of the shocked hometown crowd. Everyone was tired and cramping. Lean had it worse, he was sick.

TJ “Roc” Rocamora

This year's biggest revelation.. Was about to be cut as his try-out showing was, well to be blunt, real sloppy. But from there, he worked his way to showing his steady hand all the way to the starting line-up.

Raymond “YapMing” Yap

The center we have always wanted but we had to give way to studies. He told me he didn't want to be the center of the offense and just went on doing his job rebounding and put-backs silently and effectively. He probably owns the play of the year-a dramatic putback as time expired against U.P. in the battle for third.

Jun "madaya sa suicides" Sañosa

Word has it that Jun and Jang made a deal to commit themselves in their final year. Truth be told, Jun probably attended more practices this year than the previous years combined. He wanted to start. And start he did. But he also finished, with a kind of stabilizing presence a true point guard
should have. Arguably, the team's strongest tomador.

Jang “the king” Moreno

Co-captain Jang would figure in some fateful plays that cost the team a trip to the Final Four in each of his first three years. But he offered no excuses. He has always been a leader. This year, he was given even more. The team would go as far as he would bring it. Live and die with Jang. Nobody argued. He deserved it. Not once was he absent. He was probably in his best shape.
And in his most defining moment, he delivered the final blow to the opponents-an uncontested lay-up after which he coasted to the bench and exchanged high fives-a gesture befitting the King who just capped a brilliant career.

THE GURLS

They say that behind every man is a woman and so it is with this team. Let me personally thank the following:

Trina Ilarde

Beefcake's sparring partner who would alternate as fan, table official and/or collector.

Kiddy Dy

Though not as omnipresent as before, I would think of Kiddy everyday when I open my starbucks planner which she donated.

Trina Garcia

There are only two people who could stop Jang from scoring. The coach who would bench him and the other would be her. I also did not have to worry about an enforcer in the team. I had one in Trina. She also helped as collector, shot chart statistician, timer, fan.

Pat Bautista

The manage who is also never absent despite having all the reasons to be--Illness, an overpacked schedule, studies. I knew di siya makakatiis, hehe. We also attended meetings and scouted games.

This year was very well organized, from the recruitment, to the venue, to the pick-up games to game schedules, to text blasts, to funding. All I had to worry about was coaching, and the players, playing. Pat is the unsung hero of this team, the woman behind the scenes.

Maraming salamat po.

Jackie "soon-to-be-mrs. saguisag" Crisologo

Jackie somehow took losses harder than me. But knowing her, it was just to absorb all the negative feelings I had. She has always been like that. I love you…woohoo!

Thanks to the Ateneo MBA team for always eating us alive during games (good luck against the DLSU-FEU team! One big fight!), FEU Law team, the San Sebastian Law team for making us look forward to the tournament every year, Adrian Dimacali who Jun thinks is bad luck (haha) but had been the nightmare of the boys when Coach isn’t around, the twins, and to Coach Jojo, who we all love very much.

stepping on my turf

2006-09-21T09:25:00.000+08:00

you know that term PRIOR CLAIM SYNDROME? girls usually have a bad case of it. at least i do. its like someone else stepping on my turf. parang, hey, i dont step on your turf. thats like your space. why step on mine? i hate the all-innocent look eh. the im not doing anything wrong here act. ULUL! sino niloko mo? pooooootttaaaaaahhhhhh. u freaking selfish biatch. take off the halo. i can see right through you. and stop trespassing. hindi ka na cute.

strong enough to break me

2006-08-12T09:08:00.000+08:00

midterm exams taking its toll once again. im exhausted from 12 hour-studying skeds. no time to sleep nor eat. worse, a lot of other things bugging my brain. i guess im not the type to compartmentalize. but when someone else needs me to be strong for them, i would shove everything in my head to one corner and make sure my sis knows im there for her.

as for the one who is strong enough to break me, here's a song by sitti:

Kung ika’y magiging akin
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Pangakong di ka lolokohin
Ng puso kong nagmamahal

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako’y iyong mahal na rin
Pangako ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitiin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay mamalasin
At meron ka nang ibang mahal
Ngunit patuloy ang aking pag-ibig
Magpakailanman

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako’y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

betrayal at its stealthiest

2006-08-11T08:25:00.000+08:00

betrayal equals stealth. why shouldnt it? betrayal is done through stealth. it would only be later on that you'd find out that you have a knife stuck on ur back. bad trip. ang ayoko kasi eh yung binabalahura ako ng person who i treat well...like one who i treat like my own flesh and blood. pucha nakakarami na siya sakin eh. pinapalagpas ko lang.. but this latest one, tangna. sobra na ha. im so pissed off na.

broomsticks and broken hearts

2006-07-30T23:07:00.000+08:00

i dont agree with the broomstick theory. really. but its happening unintentionally. and i hate it. really. because he's unintentionally breaking my heart too.

fighting back

2006-07-28T09:23:00.000+08:00

i was never the type to hold back. me pa? im always palaban. i never back down. mess with me and you'll regret it. but i guess law school taught me differently. people talk all the time. and people who have nothing better to do with their lives talk lies.

i havent done anything to people who have been making me kupal since first year law school. pinalagpas ko all the pambabangga and titigan of the girls with dicks (no, im sorry but they are not boys) for almost four years. i even went far enough to make tiis the scratch on my car despite the rumor that they are spreading that i did that on my own. i let my sisses fight their battles.

know why? because i will not stoop down to their level - sutpidly speaking ilonggo to make insulto a girl who can understand ilonggo. because me and my sisters are better than, unfortunately, an assumptionista who makes sugod guys for her boys because her boys cant do it on their own (and napapahiya because they damn well know hindi sila papatulan...why pa waste time on them? eh kahit na mabasag mukha nila, basag na rin naman yung itsura ngayon eh..hahaha).

because i dont need to prove anything to anyone. ive already proven myself. my sisters have proven themselves.

now its their turn to show they're better than us. but no matter how hard they try, they would just be the losers that they were born to be. id hate to be in their position, waking up every morning and regretting that they are with people who believe in a world that would never exist.

i pity these ateneans who bring so much shame to the school. ok lang yan. bawi nalang kayo sa ibang bagay =)

one step forward, two steps back

2006-07-27T08:49:00.000+08:00

im happy things are ok with people. i mean not naman super duper ok but at least one relationship is starting to heal. pero where am i pa rin? still here. hirap talaga the feeling na you're right beside someone na pero parang it hurts? i dunno if anyone would get that though.

without my barkada, i wouldve fallen dead on my ass yesterday. good thing they're there. and im truly blessed with loving people around me. cookie, i dont think u owe me anything (except for the burger..banana split later!). thanks so much for being there for me especially nowadays. kahit na u keep me up all night, u keep me company while driving naman =D and pin, sorry i didnt say what i wanted to say. i felt i wasnt in the position to do so. what right did i have naman di ba? hunnybunny, im glad we're friends. sarap the feeling na we dont feel awkward around each other. and B, yes, im happy when you're with me.

one step forward for C and P. two steps back for me because of secrecy and silence. hay...talaga nga naman when u take to heart the core principles of your life. they're always non-negotiable.

quicksand

2006-07-25T22:42:00.000+08:00

im finding myself in a quicksand right now. how i wish it were like the one in time crisis 4 where u can shoot the terror bites with the machine gun para u can pull yourself up...kaya lang in real life, walang machine gun eh..and now im slowly getting eaten up by the quicksand. sometimes i wish i could just say how i feel pero at this point in time, parang im not allowed to be weak or something. yeah, call it messiahnic complex. ganun talaga eh. i cant wait for the time when ako na yung pwedeng umiyak and pwedeng mag-rant and pwedeng maging heartbroken about things. maybe im not as selfish as people think i am.

early morning emergencies...and loving my dad

2006-07-24T08:58:00.000+08:00

so much stuff going on i dont even know where to start. so when i got the chance to go home early last saturday, i took the initiative to sleep it all off and just wake up on monday. but at 1am, pops was knocking frantically on my bedroom door, screaming that i had to take him to the hospital. when i got out of the room, his head was bleeding. i put on a jacket and got into the car to bring him to the hospital. i must say it was the most calm panic ive had ever since i could remember. i started calling the sisses and the brods, hoping they could be with me. apparently, all the sisses decided to sleep the night off as well. thank god paul answered my text and was on his way to the er in no time. and cookie kept me company until paul arrived. a few minutes after paul arrived, karl was there too. A finally woke up and texted to make sure me and my dad were ok.

a 45cm wound on his head and 8 stitches after, this is the first time i realized how much i love my pops, my best friend, my protector. and im thankful, once again, how my sisters and brothers were there for me once again.

i love you guys.

feelings through my favorite disney movies

2006-06-05T00:26:00.000+08:00

brotherhood in basketball

2006-02-14T00:41:00.000+08:00

and the stars conspired against me

2006-01-27T00:13:00.000+08:00

i have so much stuff to do and yet im writing this blog. probably because im so pissed off right now that im not being very productive at all.

i was doing my part for the pubcorp project when i realized that there are no definite plans for the JLE (jesuit legal education) this weekend. but i thought, what the heck, im sure isoy will come up with something...so on to finishing my pubcorp..and then mickey im's me and asks me where my specpro digests are. the hell! he's like the second person to ask me where my digests were (i believe bej was the first). i freaking sent them right after i got out of the hospital! so i couldnt find them and i have to do everything all over again! good lawrd! so i finished my pubcorp when i remembered there are still other stuff i need to do. i can do that later...so i re-started the specpro digests..and i ask nad over ym what the plans are for the weekend and he says he doesnt know. and then the moment of truth arrived. isoy texted: pat, you're riding with cande. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? can i just die now? WHY? none of the council members are gonna being going on time except for me and i still have to ride with sir? dont get me wrong, cande's nice..but to be with him for like a 2-hour ride? no yosi, no music! ano paguusapan namin? hot seat na naman ako! A! ano gagawin ko?????????

stars? where art thou stars in the night? they are all up in arms, conspiring against me.

steady lang

2006-01-24T23:48:00.000+08:00

midterms finally over! thank god i can finally breathe. thinking of drinking and getting wasted tonight since basketball practice got cancelled due to rain. what the hell? rain in january? must be global warming..tsktsk..poor kiwi. the little boy wanted to practice so bad i think he started calling every basketball court in the metro. me and sep ended up drinking a round but since im bitin, it wont hurt to start with the alcohol in my room. lol.

know what pisses me off? people who jump into conclusions. jeez. talk about being overly melodramatic and hypersensitive. and then the cookie crumbles. tsktsk. no more tough cookies around. better get your stories straight before you start acting like the freaking 5-year old kid that you are! jeez. act your age! tangina. hasslehomes! argh. thank your lucky stars that someone was with me to stop me from going over to your damn table to tell u off. that would have been the most embarassing night of your life. but since ur one pathetic little creature, steady lang ako. wont waste any more time on you. yeah, yeah, i'll probably regret writing this in a few days. but as of the moment, allow me to rant.

carla emailed me the link to their family album. made me senti about family especially pops' side. its just us, mikeys and mij's family around. it gets kinda lonely during the holidays. will post pics of our family when i get the ones from carla =) damn how time flies by so fast.

sucks

2006-01-24T01:47:00.000+08:00

that i feel so helpless at this point in time...wish i could take the burden off his shoulders so that he can get up and see that the sun still shines after the pouring rain.

as for that person who has been extremely difficult lately, im not about to give up on u..u just wait.

what i dont understand is...

2006-01-22T18:19:00.000+08:00

why there are girlfriends who are so selosa that they nearly tie their boyfriends to the door so that the latter will not be able to interact or be friends with other girls. dude, are u fucking psycho??? what planet are you from? talk about literally having your world revolve around your guy. its fucked up..totally retarded, if u ask me.

dont get me wrong. i do understand the dilemma of trusting your guy but not trusting the people around him. after all (contrary to popular belief - obiter: someone even asked if i was lesbian - got nothing against lesbians but uhm, hello, i am 101% straight), i am a girl. but i am one with many guy friends and it just frustrates me how girlfriends can stop their guys from having girl-friends. i mean, is that how you show your undying love? and for the guy, is that how you say i love you, too? i mean, isnt love supposed to be acceptance and understanding and all that shit? coz if it aint, im even more clueless about love now than i was about a minute ago.

i dunno what im feeling at the moment. sad? confused and bewildered? pissed? (i dunno at who though...at the girl for being one hell of a dominatrix or the guy who couldnt fight back)...you fucking doofus! dont throw our friendship down the drain!

ive been in this situation one too many times...i wonder why i still havent gotten the hang of it...

but being the good friend that i am, hey, im trying my best to comprehend the situation with an open heart. and thats because im not the type to make my guy friends choose. i know where i stand...just right here, dilly-dallying with my other good friends, letting time pass by until my doofus friends are released as hostages by that thing they call true love.

crabby patti

2006-01-22T08:43:00.000+08:00

i got home at about 130am from inuman with my starbucks family (yes, we're not just friends...we're family). when i got home, pops asked me if i was still gonna go watch the PAQman -Morales match with him and the boys. i said yes (the whole reason why i was up until 4am, finishing transpo - please dont ask me why i couldnt finish it in one sitting when it was just about 140 pages - i was studying...IN STYLE the south people's way!). he was waking me up at 7am but i couldnt get up...PAIN! damnit. dysmennorhea just had to kick in today. i went over to their house and told pops i wasnt coming anymore because i was in pain. thats ok..im sure kaya mo yan...konting sakit lang naman yan eh. KONTING SAKIT?!?! FATHER! you dont know what you're talking about!!! i was actually pissed. mum was like, naku florante. hindi ka pa rin natututo sa 3 anak mo na babae! and pops was like she never had that before! she just started having that like last year! this is just an isolated incident! uhm, not really, pops. this is a side effect of those depo shots that i took so faithfully for years. heck, ur baby girl grew up. sorry!

had breakfast at the other house and was looking for pain killers. cant drink mefenamic acid or ibuprofen the rest of my life...intestines took too much of a beating from the last time. tramadol? hell no. i still have to wake up and read transpo and a whole lot more for conflicts. so i stumbled upon popo's grape-flavored advil syrup. aha! pain killer! yikes, ibuprofen!!! but what the fuck. i dont care. i need pain killers (that wont make me sleep) FAST! so i just gulped it all down and now im hoping i dont get even more sick because i disobeyed doctors orders.

everything just pisses me off. this orange juice glass on my table. the readings i need to get done. not being able to watch PAQman. having to wake up to study. waking up at 7am. eating tuna. the painters at my house. the smell of paint. touching fucking wet paint! cant they damn put a sign? no warning from anyone! damn you people! AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!

so now, im shutting out the world. id be sleeping and pray that when i wake up, i wont be this crabby anymore.

for my funny bunny

2006-01-21T01:41:00.000+08:00

badawheebadawhoobadaboomschwingbadaboom. dingalingadingdingwheeschwingzipideebam. huffleybadaboomwheeschwingaboom.

PIA! you wouldnt believe this

2006-01-20T09:02:00.000+08:00

magkaibigan nga kami ni pia...hahahaha

You Are A Margarita Martini

You are a full on partier, with a good deal of sass and spunk.
You're always friendly and welcoming - and very tolerant of obnoxious drunks.

You should never: Drink and dance. The pictures will be everywhere the next morning!

Your ideal party: Is loud, with good music and fun drinking games.

Your drinking soulmates: Those with a Dirty Martini personality

Your drinking rivals: Those with a Classic Martini personality

What Flavor Martini Are You?

PEA

2006-01-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

thank you! i love you! and i miss you!

nuff said.

will you answer?

2006-01-19T22:04:00.000+08:00

what if i stumble?
what if i fall?
what if i lose my step and make fools of us all?
will the love continue
when my walk becomes a crawl?

what if stumble?
what if i fall?

-dc talk

on my own

2006-01-19T09:10:00.000+08:00

tinulugan mo ako...AGAIN! the problem with crying while in bed is that it puts you to sleep in such a graceful manner that when you close your eyes, the world just fades away. and then there's peace. now, now. i dont think thats a problem at all (though i think someone gets really pissed if i fall asleep in the middle of our conversation. sorry!) if sleeping is the only way i can have peace of mind, then let me sleep forever. this fast-paced world is really driving me bananas. i cant cope with the decisions i have to face with, the choices that i have to make, the hearts that i have to break..and i definitely cannot cope with yet another broken heart. i have dreams to weave, chains to break, lullabyes to distort. thats the way life is for me. run away? no. sleep? yes. then maybe when i wake up id have a clearer picture of how i'll make the next step.

--------------------

spring 2005, phone call to manila

P: (crying on the phone) i dont wanna go home..really.
J: o, sino na namang lalaki ang rason bakit ayaw mo umuwi?

january 2006, over dinner

P: (smiling) im flying home to chicago
A: oh ok..dont tell me babalikan mo siya?!?
P: hindi noh! pucha. kinaliwa ako tapos babalikan ko? (yeah, complete and utter lie)
A: oo, gagawin mo yun! ikaw pa! naku patricia ha! wag kang babalik dito na kayo! naku!
P: deyn..
A: so hindi ka na tatakbo? di ba yun naman gusto mo before pa?
P: hindi ko alam..

hindi ko alam? HINDI KO ALAM?!? what kind of an answer is that?!? i have always known what i wanna be in the future. i have always focused on the end goal but...on the other end of the spectrum, i have always been told that i let guys dictate the way i would live my life.. that the decisions i have to make would depend on whether i'd like to fight for the relationship or not. NOT ANYMORE. i know what i want and i know what i need to do. i have one hell of a simple life. people just dont get it. its one with too many dreams in it. each one i gotta achieve. if HE doesnt understand that, then baby, we're not meant to be together.

getting better

2006-01-12T14:23:00.000+08:00

in the family, ive never been the one with the good health. i was the one who was accident prone and i was always the one who is sick. 2 weeks into recovery from surgery and 2 days after my left arm was put in a cast, i was rushed to the hospital for severe pain on my right abdomen. the initial diagnosis of dr. ejercito: running over a dwarf (you know, that filipino superstition that if you run over or step on a dwarf, bad luck comes to you). the real diagnosis though is diu-blahblah and my kidney stones. the former is caused by too much mefenamic acid taken. so much for pain killers...now i need pain killers for the pain caused by the former. im now on drugs short of morphine. not bad (as cean said haha)...

but thank god im now out of the hospital and ready to take my midterms. though id really miss that hot male nurse :P haha.

i gotta go take a nap for now...my right hand is swollen from all the needles they stuck to it (they couldnt put anything on my left hand since it's in a cast...) hopefully id be able to write well on monday.

ps: thanks to pops who's always carrying the burden of paying for the bills and staying at the hospital with me...my mum and ann for the food, ate and ate chie for bringing me to the hospital, justine for her impossible to understand get well soon notes, to everyone who wished me well especially to my one and only girlfriend (haha) a, cean, nik and ken =)....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

new beginnings

2006-01-07T08:49:00.000+08:00

im back! whew. it took me days of sleepless nights to finish the new (and hopefully, improved) look of this site. for some weird reason, i cant open my multiply site. its a pldt thing. hassle. anyway, thanks to my recent surgery, i got both the time and the patience to learn css and photoshop. and it didnt take me one year! LOL.

2005 did not end well for me. right before christmas, i had to be operated on because my useless appendix decided to go bonkers on me while i was watching kingkong. and i did not even have the guts to tell the people i was with that i was in so much pain (see, jo, im a very nice and considerate person..hehe). talk about having to drive myself while cringing in pain. i wouldve ended up in a car accident if it werent for cean talked to me on the phone. so, i spent the holidays recovering from the three incisions that were done on my stomach. thanks doc..now there goes wearing a bikini in march! hah!

and it does not end there. i woke up on the morning of the 31st to find my left hand/arm swollen like hell. i didnt bother much because i thought i strained it with too much poker. but then the swelling hasnt subsided and i had to go back to the doctor for even more tests. i think im slowly dying. then again, ilarde is right. ang masamang damo ay matagal mamatay (closest translation: bad grass dont die --somebody give me a better translation!).

anyway...

its a new year, meaning its a new beginning. of course, there are some unfinished business with the council which i need to get done before monday. *kill me now, please!* and school kicks off the new year with the midterms. at least i finished this blogsite on time. that means i can hit the books starting...NOW! *damn* but hey, at least id be reading with a light heart. thanks to chuck who somehow found his way to put a smile on my face.

*sigh* on second thought, sometimes there are no new beginnings because somehow, there are some things that never really ended.

ANNOUNCEMENT

2005-10-10T21:30:00.000+08:00

im moving out of this site. to see my new home, CLICK HERE! see ya!

continuation

2005-10-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

i just found out that hale was illegally arrested: taken by the police without a warrant while sleeping...how much worse can it get? too much already. pops and i are filing administrative charges against the pao and the wardens at qc and camp caringal. even sir vanni and sir gilbert agree. such heartbreak.

back to basics

2005-10-03T22:22:00.000+08:00

instead of studying for my labor law review exam on friday (or is it thursday?), im online writing this blog. so much stuff on my mind right now. saw their pics and i keep wondering if i should envy them because it could have been me in the pic..or should i be relieved because it could have been me in the pic? prior claim syndrome setting in. but on a deeper thought, we were younger then and more stupid. what would i have become if it were me? cant even imagine. all my dreams down the drain? no thank you. yeah, yeah im selfish. but it does take years to forgive oneself, you know.
-----
i know ive lost track of the vision i once had why i wanted to become a lawyer. somewhere along the way, the noise of routine drowned out the calling. but not today. not anymore. back track a little....friday morning, ate asked me to help her out with this case of her friend's brother who was detained for possession and sale. told me he had hepa a and needed immediate medical treatment. heck, detention centers here are overcrowded and so dirty that its enough punishment already. anyway, told me the pao lawyers were not doing anything about it and that arraignment is october 3 (which is today). told atty. sembrano about it and he said to ask the family to go to the center. woke up this morning and hale, the guy who was detained, passed away last night. the jail warden found him bloated and unconscious inside his cell. nobody can explain the feeling of pain and frustration inside me. why didnt the pao do anything about it????? why didnt they file an urgent motion for medical treatment? why didnt the jail warden take him to the hospital? after all, he has the power to do so...WHY. people, detainees and convicts (innocent or guilty) are PEOPLE! they breathe. they sleep. they get hungry. they have FEELINGS! some people who are roaming free society are worse than them. i dont understand why the world has to be like this. i feel so helpless. its like my hands are tied. i cant wait to finish law and do whatever i can to make things better...

a year older...

2005-09-30T13:13:00.000+08:00

as the clock struck twelve, i began to think. i am a year older. damn. cant i be 16 forever? yeah, right. so much for the peter pan syndrome. somehow reality always catches on. lemme look a year back and reflect on how my life went in the year that has just passed. more than anything else, i am grateful to the lord that i am still breathing. that he gave me 365 days to live and i pray that he gives me more than 365 this time. i dont think i lost any friends. i just found out who the real ones are. and despite going through hell to keep these good friends of mine, it was all worth it. after all, you dont lose real friends. sometimes they just hang around the shadows and come out when its the right time.
-----
im thankful that i have my sorority sisters:gar, ilarde, marge, love, nikki, mon, bunny, tinggay... especially A and DEV who took the risk in putting this up with me. trust me, they have been more than patient with the bratinella me. i wouldnt have it any other way. they put up with my tantrums, moodiness, bossiness, depression, heartaches, constant changing boys, panic attacks, delayed reaction, shopping sprees, never finished food, muttering, fights, victories, failing midters, good recits, shopping weekends, bake sales...gawd, the list can go on. id die for my sisters. they know that. and anyone reading this should know that. mess with them, mess with my wrath (a warning i wasnt able to give KNS). to those who will just become a part of the family, i welcome you in advance :)
-----
of course, im grateful for my loving and protective brothers who have been nothing but supportive of me. theyve taken me under their wings and i will be forever grateful. next to my sisters, id die for my brothers. echiferdi, nikki, kiko, dandan, mark, noe, enteng, cean, jc, chuck, gino, fritz, paul r., macky, cookie, vince, gadric, paul a., taps, eric, karl, bene, zoe, chris i., chris g., miong, jovy, weeeeej, jefjef, pau, caloy, aj, jun s., raymond, rc, ronron, glenn, randee, crinkles, my baby brods, jun... to those i forgot, you know i didnt do it intentionally.
-----
im thankful for my high school and college barkada: leah, angel, lily, cha and my one and only eggnog. despite not seeing each other, i know they're just there. they keep me going. they're one of the reasons why im still in law school...the encouragement and support are so immense that its immeasurable. they are one of a kind.
-----
my section A! my greener pasture. you guys are the best! chupao, momsie, abi sze, gail, thea, mark, mae, tatng, tracy, popsie, chel, kay, bej, dennis, freedom, mickey, sep, kate, DORANNE!, carlo, angel, jojit, trishie, mama leigh, helga, abi, lemony lemlem aka louie, jon, dima, dex, kid, mondy, titit, jeland, sarj, and whattamen: poch, ino, luigi. PIA who i miss terribly.
-----
the student council 2004-2005: gian, mark, reg, jayps, jonas, anna, manman, isoy...need i say more? they have become my second family.
-----
LSACERS! the fraternity with a twist.
-----
and my first family: mum, ann, ate and kuya randy, kuya and ate chie, kunichi and douie and cobi and gab and zac abd justine.. well, blood is thicker than water.
-----
my dad: my best friend. words can never do justice.
-----
tim and nicole, christine and eric who taught me to be open. --------
clarence who is teaching me patience.
-----
shaun who is making me worry.
-----
my favorite cousins mikey and carla, and dream come true cousin jeremy.
-----
my favorite LA man lovine who doesnt know how much ive learned from him.
-----
tito dino and tita jeannie..since youve been gone...
-----
nad who can keep up with the endless breakdowns from me.
-----
chuck who made me feel like 16 again.
-----
clv, cande and fr. b for the support.
-----
isidore who is staying strong.
-----
to the friends i once had...im still here.
-----
life has been good to me. god has been tremendously generous. i cant ask for anything more. well, except for good grades, finish law school on time with flying colors and pass the bar exams first take.
-----
to those who have greeted me, thank you. to those who will greet me, thank you. to all the people i love (to those who know i love them, and to those who have yet to find out...), thank you for making each day more beautiful for me.

selfish unselfishness

2005-09-22T09:47:00.000+08:00

have u ever met a person who was so unselfish to the point that the person becomes so selfish? ok, lemme elaborate. its like the person gives so much that he doesnt allow anyone to give back to him. and then he suddenly gets into an outburst of feelings that he's tired of giving and tired of being strong for anyone. HELLO. thats because you never let anyone get near you to the point that you push people away. i dunno if im making any sense. its just that last night, words came out so strong and irrational that i didnt know whether i should be pissed or hurt. to say that no one is being strong for you, no one is there for you is not true. because the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of people who are strong for you but u just choose not to take their hands because you are too immersed in being the hero of everyone.

maybe its now time to allow people to rescue you. after all, even super heroes need some saving once in awhile.

good things come in small packages.

2005-09-20T10:58:00.000+08:00

pleasant surprises come in the simplest way.
-----
thank you for putting a smile on my face today.
-----
now i can see sunshine. now i can go back to dreaming.

thinking...

2005-09-16T01:23:00.000+08:00

vince reminds me so much of lovine...vince could be lovine. or lovine could be vince. physically, they are total opposites (see vince hunching over just to make it look as if he's not 6ft-tall? no offense, lovine..hehe) but train of thought, same wont even do justice. weird. they must be the same person in some way. though i wouldnt mind that at all.

little black book

2005-09-15T01:41:00.000+08:00

so i watched the movie little black book and i cried the whole time. it showed my life...the boyfriends, the flings, the spying, the lies, the sex, the true loves, the broken hearts, the shattered dreams. the movie would seem as if nothing would go right...as if the stars have conspired against the main character. and it isnt so easy to accept that things get fucked up more often than we can ever hope for. but in the end, a broken heart is healed by life's destiny.
-----
if i may quote the movie that quoted john lennon: sometimes life happens when we're too busy making plans
-----
in the movie, stacy lost her boyfriend because in her search for truth, she had become a lie. and i was that same girl about 3 weeks ago...until the search became over because i lost him.
-----
i just cant wait...for life to happen.

miracle

2005-09-14T00:48:00.000+08:00

dont u just like feel good movies? the type where at the end, the underdogs emerge as the victors... i love those kinds of movies. they make me believe. they inspire me to have faith. wouldnt it be nice if everyone just had faith in the goodness in everyone? then maybe this wouldnt be such a bad world. people would be smiling and would be helping each other out. i dunno... im probably just thinking too much. LOL. serious shit.

so anyway i watched the movie miracle just now. damnit. i never knew how much i missed the game until i watched the movie. the feeling of solitude with the sound of the skate blades on the ice. the peace that comes with the passing of the puck. the victory with every goal scored. and damn the smell of the ice. heaven.

but we make our own heavens. and mine is right here, right now.

totally disjoint..and some other things

2005-09-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

feeling: excited (to meet the next..or realize who he is), tired (long day) song: naked and sacred (back to old skool chill-out music) what's on tv: re-run of desperate housewives thought: wow (to eric and christine's 14-year marriage, a kid's outlook on life, stuff to be done for school -- basically wow for being overwhelmed at so many things) current eyecandy: my new nephew, zac
-----
i dunno why the philippine justice system prefers disjoint buildings that are supposed to be joint. ok lemme give u examples. had an assignment for legal aid class to go to makati city jail and interview our client (we were to make a counter-affidavit). of course the presumption was that the city jail was right by the police station (which was right across the city hall and the halls of justice. WRONG. the city jail was about 20 minutes away from everything (right by kalayaan ave. in fort bonifacio). i mean, what the fuck? and as if its only makati that has that...was asked to go see a city prosecutor of pasig for a preliminary investigation on this libel case. so i went to the regional trial court of pasig city only to find out that the office of the prosecutor is like some 20 minutes away too...like waaaay out of civilization. to think that the city pavillion looked like it was being demolished, not being renovated. oh jeez. poor country. gets me all frustrated, you know.
-----
on to funnier things. went to take jeremy out for lunch. he's a nice kid. turns out to be more mature about life than i am. i should feel ashamed that i actually learned something from him. anyway, not dwelling on lessons learned from jeremy. so i went to bring him back to intercon and his cousin started blabbing about allergies and stuff and she was just totally weird being allergic to like pollens and stuff and like she couldnt go to gardens and all. damn i cant even tell the story right coz im laughing right now. but thats not all. she went on to talk about her brother's allergies and guess what her older brother is allergic to? LATEX. lol that gave me and jeremy the laugh of all time. jeez! so much for safe sex. oh gawd im laughing so hard. then again almost any girl would be totally fine with that.
-----
new occupation: jeremy's official basketball agent.
sideline: law student
main job: brokenhearted bitch (yes, we do shed a few tears too)

wasssssssaaaaaaapppp???

2005-09-04T21:41:00.000+08:00

so i actually had the best of both worlds the past week..as the song goes: life's a bitch and then she dies. what an emotional roller coaster ride it was. laughter and then tears. damnit, what the hell would i do if A and the rest of the sisters werent there? i would have drowned myself in rocky road (though not a bad idea) except that i wouldnt wanna be back in chi-town looking like a fucking blob of fat or what have you.
-----
i had a few tears to shed last week caused by situations beyond my control. i am not a mind-reader nor am i scientist good enough to calculate emotions and thinking of people. more than the tears were the times i had to throw up because i couldnt cry it all out. but at the end of the day, it were my loving sorority sisters, my protective brothers, the valiums (oh yes, those v's) and the loads of tequila (thank u jose cuervo!) that got me through.

if THIS one was THIS GOOD, i could hardly wait for the next. they always get better each time. but until then (yes, including when fritz' friends come over), i keep my heart to myself.
-----
the lsac send-offs was a blast! had so much fun singing our "fraternity" hymn that i could hardly get the words outta my mouth. i hope that it will be a yearly tradition as gian and kanna pledged contributions for the next send-offs!

school send-offs was fun too. rommel and his team did a great job. felt like the nba finals! damnit im so addicted to basketball lol. i saw my romeo despite getting my heart trampled upon by the sight of his girl. heck, i dont give a fuck. ok, so i guess he aint my romeo after all. a gazillion questions creeped back into my mind. a whole lotta what-ifs. but is it too late to give an answer to all those questions?
-----
finally saw jeremy play. damn what a dream come true. oh and that wave from the bench to the bleachers. *sigh* kept telling uncle jay what a dream come true jeremy was. lol im repeating myself here. he was telling us that he just raised his arms and slightly touched the other guy and the other guys mouth started bleeding and his tooth fell off. damn. wasnt jeremy's fault that jru players are too lame! anyway, they're leaving this thursday coz his papers arent fixed yet but theyd be spending christmas here to help jeremy settle down for good. first time in my entire life that id be cheering for the green side. must be good. lol.
-----
im finally tired with waging war against KNS. no matter how i provoke her, she just wont bite. oh well. what can i say, the girl has no balls at all...as for her little minion (damnit, how the hell do u spell that word anyway?????????), she can kiss KNS's ass all she wants but when is start getting totally pissed at her, i'll make sure her world crumbles on her. yes, people, i am mean. and i am a bitch.
-----
when people tell me that they dont understand me, i mentally tell them that i dont understand myself either. must be the years of medication that completely messed me up even more instead of helping me steady it all out. but im not ashamed of my past and of who i am now. why should i be? despite the hell that i have been through all my life, look at where i am now. i pulled it off just fine, didnt i? i mean, ask leah and the rest of the people who have known me way back when. ive come a long way. and i believe that i will still go places, at the rate im going.
-----
lifes never fair. neither is love. but when things get going ur way, enjoy the ride. and when the rides over, it was fun while it lasted...now, u ask me, will it always be like that? the rides will keep ending? i think so. or at least until u find the person who will hold ur hand and walk with you...that way, u wouldnt have to ride no more :)
-----
no goodbyes, please.

succession midterms

2005-09-01T00:22:00.000+08:00

ive been preparing for my midterms in succession since last thursday. trust me, every reading seems to be the first reading. the words seem so alien to me. so anyway, its like ive been preparing for this exam for the past week. but its not as if i really studied for one week coz like saturday i was at starbucks and i was there like at 9am or something..by the time lunch came i was so tired so i took a nap and i woke up about an hour and a half later...so i went to go order a drink and the guard was like "sarap ng tulog natin, ma'am ah." i wanted to smack him on the face for reminding me how i wasted my time on sleep.

so anyway, i slept at 2am wednesday and woke up at 630am to bring the car to the shop. and then went back to sleep. i woke up at 11am to get the car from the shop and then i went back home to have lunch. them i drove from alabang to makati and thank god there was no traffic! so i was studying from 1pm to 645pm. i thought i was prepared. but then migraine hits me like crazy and believe me it isnt funny to get migraine right before u take an exam...especially when the exam is succession...worse if the exam is balane's. to make matters worse, i had to compute 3million pesos manually. imagine that...back to grade school mathematics. i knew it. i should have listened to my math teacher then. oh well.

so thats how my succession midterms went...now stay tuned for the results...haha.

back from the dead

2005-08-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

after a gruelling midterms week, i thought it was all over. hell week was over. oh but i was wrong. i forgot all about succession midterms, thesis deadline, send-offs preparations and everyday recit. damnit. law school is starting to be sucha big bitch. if i didnt like what im doing, and if it isnt for a life-long dream of being a lawyer, i would have quit a long time ago...like intro to law or something. theres always a rainbow. sigh.

on my feelings: sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw ng damdamin...sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko...yuck baduy but hey, thats how i feel...but until that day comes, tangna, im out to party! all fun. nothing serious.

labor

2005-08-07T10:14:00.000+08:00

so ive been reading the damn red labor law book since 2 weeks ago because i havent been attentive in class. i was basically trying to catch up with all the backlogs that i have. and then i find out we had to succession exam for this monday and that was a big woo-pee-doo of a feeling! but no...we just had to schedule our labor law exam on the day we're supposed to have succession, with succession make-up class following the exam. with freaking dresscode and freaking recit. nice. please make sure you call funenaria paz for me so that they can pick me up by 7pm. sharp.

ok so thats not my point. really.

got home early last night and my mother was getting a full body massage. suddenly a light bulb turned on. why not have one too? so i did. so i was talking to the girl and she was telling us how much she gets paid. PhP100 a day! its not just that. out of the 250 bucks we pay her, she only gets 10% of that. and there goes all my labor law stuff! she works from 1pm to 1am, with no overtime and no night differential either! her freaking employer gives her 10% of the payment, apart from the 100buck allowance (so technically, whats her wage? NONE!) and then she has to pay for water, electricity and rent of the place where they stay...FOR THE EMPLOYER! its like why do we still have all these labor laws if we cant implement them? the employers still opress the employees. i dunno..maybe im being unreasonable here...but still...i guess reality sometimes just drives me mad...

liar liar

2005-08-03T12:54:00.000+08:00

pants on fire...

worst thing about people is when u catch them red-handed and they still stick to their lie of a story. scapegoats and wars. what a big fuck.

tagged by doranne

2005-07-24T08:44:00.001+08:00

so my lesbian lover wants me to take this survey...sounds so much like posts on friendster. anyhow....

three names you go by:
1. pat/patbau
2. patsy
3. patti

three screen names you have had:
1. patdabrat
2. pattybratty
3. lullabelle (back in high school when i thought i was a lullabelle)

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. the twins...haha
2. legs
3. nose

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. the twins (they're so heavy!)
2. arms
3. tummy

three parts of your heritage:
1. filipino
2. spanish
3. chinese

three things that scare you:
1. the Philippine government
2. getting fat-ter
3. not marrying the one i love

three of your everyday essentials:
1. a bath (including brushing my teeth)
2. technology: cellphones and the internet
3. think about chuck and pray for the important people in my life

three of your favorite musical artists:
1. jars of clay (saved my life quite a number of times)
2. madonna (hell, can she re-invent herself or what?)
3. gary v.

three of your favorite songs:
1. "love song for a savior" and "worlds apart" by jars of clay
2. "crazy for you" by madonna
3. "music box" by mariah carey

three things you want in a relationship:
1. happiness: honesty and trust
2. spontaneity
3. great make-outs that make me feel im 16 again...

three lies and truths in no particular order:

lies:
1. great friends make great lovers
2. a long distance relationship cannot and will not work
3. lawyers make a lot of money

truth:
1. when it comes to love, time is not of the essence
2. there's always someone for everoyone
3. long distance relationships work

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. eyes (especially when they're green)
2. hands
3. body...hello!

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. reading
2. sports
3. daydreaming

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. go back to chicago
2. fall asleep beside chuck *sigh*
3. graduate from law school, pass the bar exams and place in the top 10 *hehe*

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. history teacher
2. fireman
3. astronaut

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. amsterdam
2. mt. fuji
3. germany

three kid's names you like:
1. sam (both guy and girl)
2. gabriel/gabrielle
3. dominique

three things you want to do before you die:
1. get married to the one i love and have a family (in chicago)
2. be a successful lawyer
3. make the Philippines a better country

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. i like sports...basketball and hockey
2. lego, transformers and video games were my toys
3. used to be a playah...USED to be

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. i love to shop
2. i love watching chick flicks
3. im sweet to everyone

three celeb crushes:
1. michael jordan
2. sergei fedorov
3. and that white sox pitcher

patience..patience...

2005-07-20T22:47:00.000+08:00

sometimes when ur friend isnt ready to talk to u, u just gotta be patient. give him space. wait for him to need you. and when he doesn't ever come back, then i guess that it's just another chapter in ur life that u have to close and let go. but until i see that things are hopeless, i'll be hanging around, waiting for my one true friend to walk with me again.

another heartbreak?

2005-07-13T22:11:00.000+08:00

it is sad that when im so tired and so in need of someone, the important ones are just nowhere to be found. i guess i really have to hack things on my own sometimes. sorry for burdening u mike. im still here for u, though.

wala niyan sa amerika

2005-07-10T18:43:00.000+08:00

translation: you dont have that in the united states.

there's this commercial about this grandmother who came back to the philippines after quite a long stay in the united states. from the airport to the house, she kept saying "wala niyan sa amerika" every time she saw something uniquely filipino: jay walkers, the heat, drivers who do not abide by traffic rules, a gazillion potholes on the road, horrendous traffic. but when she got to the house, her grandkids hugged her and kissed her. her son told her: wala niyan sa amerika.

we went out for lunch today because its mum's birthday on tuesday. we ate at dampa (sorry folks, i dunno how to translate dampa to english), my family's second favorite (next to our neighborhood japanese restaurant -- okasan -- which has long been demolished by the alabang town center mall). in dampa, u order the seafood that u want and they would cook it for you any way you like. it is actually the restaurant that goes to the market for you right before they cook the food. dont worry, the market is just behind the restaurant. and since my family is totally addicted to seafoods, eating at dampa is always a feast.

so at lunch, family and friends celebrated mum's birthday. wala niyan sa amerika my younger sister told me. and i guess she's right. there's no such thing in the united states. although i have family there, i wouldnt have my immediate family with me.

but does that change my decision that i wanna go home to chicago soon? NO.

i still wanna go home to chicago. as soon as possible. i still want the freedom, independence and responsibility. i still want to see tim and nicole, eric and christine, shasha, lovine, pao, p.a., jaypee, clarence, sherrie, shaun (when he gets back from iraq), piapie (of course), cindee, bel (oh my retardedness!). and more importantly, i still need to be physically closer to mike and make sure he's ok...and there's still so much more with chuck that i need to do and make him realize.

although it cannot be denied that i want to be with my family, my heart is still in chicago. and i cant wait for the day to come that i would be awaken by the planes of palwaukee airport or the sirens of squad cars in the city.

i just hope that the people i left behind would still be waiting for me to come back.

things and people im thankful for:

mum
family
crabs and shrimps and squids and all the seafood i could eat
text message from chuck (damn i miss chuck so much it hurts)
chuck
mike
my friends here that keep me sane
the old student council...for being there for me
my 3a class who continue to make me feel at home
breathing and finding myself alive each day

things and people im praying for:

political situation in the philippines thats dividing the country and continue to put the people in turmoil
chuck--that he's always ok and safe. i hope he knows that he's holding a special place in my heart...and how much i miss him...
mike -- that his broken heart be mended soon..and that he realizes how important he is to me
my sisters and brothers...enough said
tim and nicole
3a
the student council
sc 2004-2005
pia
bel

not just another weekend

2005-07-03T20:43:00.000+08:00

each weekend here, each day that i spend here breaks my heart. but yeah, it draws me closer to the day when id be back to where i really belong...HOME.

this experience is teaching me too much patience and anyone who knows me years back can attest that i sometimes do not have the skills to be patient...but this time things are different, mainly because the top guys in my life right now (my dad still holding position number 1) are teaching me how it is to be patient.

my unconventional friendship with mike is a true test of patience (and just when i need him the most, he's out having a good time coz its the 4th of july weekend)... and waiting for fall to come to see chuck, well, thats another story altogether (and he's nowhere to be found as well *sigh*)...

i guess i like what im learning because its teaching me to be mature. after all, im not 13 anymore. but with the lessons come the pain, you know...i look at the clock and time seems to go so slow. maybe i should stop thinking...or maybe i should control the way i think so that time does not become too much of a burden for me (see, mike, im reading the book you sent me). i should control the situation. *yeah right, as if i can do that*

i guess all my babbles now will just bring me to the same thing over and over again... I WANNA GO HOME.

things i miss from HOME:

i miss the breeze of the windy city.
i miss the smell of the lake while jogging by lake shore drive at 6am.
i miss the sound of planes landing and taking-off from the palwaukee airport.
i miss the bars and the clubs...
i miss watching frida lay and drag queens at roscoes (on second thought, i miss halsted altogether LOL).
i miss eating at the cheesecake factory, especially the one at schaumburg.
i miss early morning cab rides when ive had too much to drink (theyre just so safe!)
i miss swingers parties LOL -- more importantly, i miss tim and nicole terribly
i miss krispy kremes
i miss watching my russian neighbor pass by the patio
i miss driving to nowhere. alone.
i miss eating alone.
i miss doing the laundry.
i miss cooking for myself.
i miss running around river trails by myself.
i miss doing nothing at all.
i miss that used book store in evanston
i miss passing by loyola U almost everyday...i miss watching the college students
i miss passing by the frat rows and sorority rows in northwestern.
I MISS MIKE...he was so much nearer when i was there...its like i dont need to worry about anything coz he's just half an hour away (even less, i think)...
I MISS CHUCK. i miss driving to elk grove and schaumburg even if i wont even see him...i miss talking to him on the phone late at night. i miss seeing him. i miss walking in the park with him, our fingers laced together. i miss my 16-year-old moments. I MISS CHUCK. do i need to say more? damnit.

*maybe i should've just out things to look forward to? nah..i do miss them...but they are indeed something to look forward to

people and things to be thankful for:

i woke up today. im alive
my dad
my friends from school who keep me sane
chrissy - for helping me cope
mundane things like betsy, my mp3 player, my running car, my new flash drive, my evil plans
OF COURSE, there's mike, who's MIA for the weekend
more importantly CHUCK, who i know is totally busy and is MIA for the weekend as well

people and things to pray for:

chuck
mike
chrissy
me
tim and nicole, katie and cassie
christine and eric
clarence
shaun
scott
that time passes by quickly so that when i open my eyes, im back home again.

GRRRRRR

2005-07-01T00:47:00.000+08:00

i really dont like people who are such know-it-alls...especially those who try to tweetum their way into things. i get so annoyed at people who do someone else's job not because the right person is too ineeficient or too incompentent to do it but because someone wants his or her name more pronounced all over. things have just started...i dont know what you are campaigning for. besides, if people trust you, there is no need to campaign. people would and should know who you are. after all, you do know how to make ur presence felt by the things that you wear (please stay out of the beach...lol)...

now, if you continue being the annoying fishbone in everyone's throat, you better be ready for the surprise of your life. no more mr. nice guys on my part. prepare for battle. id make your life a living hell.

BITCH MODE: ON.

people and things to be thankful for:

short text message from chuck
dinnerwith my brothers
seeing tabs
doranne -- she's making the shirt design! thanks! alabshoo!
student council and coal
mike's ultra short email
less pain in my mouth
lunch with abi and helga
harmony is clarence's daughter

things and people to pray for:

chuck
mike
tim and nicole, katie and cassie
christine and eric
clarence
shaun's safety
scott's safety
annoying hippopotamus...or should i say warthog? whale?
that u completelt heal soon so i can wear pumps, high heels and short skirts...and so that i could go back to the gym
world peace
political stability

brand new day

2005-06-29T19:05:00.000+08:00

i had to delete a post i wrote earlier today. i guess the post was another result of my impatience, and letting my emotions run me over before i let the entire situation simmer down. anyway, that deleted post isnt something too important for me or anyone else to dwell on. for me, the sun is shining despite the heavy rains and the future looks brighter than before. wish i could share this feeling of freedom with all the important people in my life, especially to my chuck and my good friend mike. tatang jq once told me that the clouds always have a silver lining. and i guess thats true.

people and things to be thankful for:

talking to chuck online...damn i miss him so much...i dont know how he does it but he can always put a smile on my face...
mike's short email
not getting called for insurance class (because i skipped school today and getting called by atty. quimson when absent means a grade of 50)
the rain...(what im not thankful for is not having chuck beside me while its raining)
the moments when i dont feel pain in my mouth (so that means im thankful for the medication that i have)...oh that little slice of chocolate cake that i managed to eat because it looked so tempting and i was so hungry...was worth the pain...lol
that the day has ended...which means its another new day CT and id get to talk to chuck and mike again (just hope mike's not too busy like yesterday...i miss my friend..)

things and people to pray for:

chuck, that he's always safe and sound...that all his troubles go away...that he finds a new job and a new apartment..and that he realizes that he's someone really special to me...
mike, that his heart be made whole again and that he realizes that this world is a beautiful place to live in and somewhere across the world someone loves him dearly
tim and nicole, katie and cassie
christine and eric
clarence
shaun's safety in iraq
scott's safety
political and social stability here in the philippines
that my wound heals quicker because the pain is draining all my energy and im getting really hungry...and so that i will be strong enough to go back to the gym...
that the days quickly pass by so that i wake up and find myself in chicago again...

weak at heart

2005-06-28T09:58:00.000+08:00

its always fun to put on a game face and show everyone you're strong and undefeated. that way people stay away from you and would have to think twice about messing with you. its actually nice to have people respect you in some way because they are afraid of you. but then there are those times when you're alone and your greatest fears overpower you and u realize ur not as strong as u think you are and all the while ur just wearing a mask. a mask that fooled yourself as well.

on a less serious note: sometimes those masks can never hide the pain brought about by having your wisdom teeth yanked out. believe me, if the study of law isnt for the weak at heart, neither is getting your wisdom teeth out. damnit.

starting today, im adding this segment to each blog i make...

people and things im thankful for:

getting to school safely
not falling asleep in class
seeing my friends especially doranne (yihee)
those intervals when i dont feel pain in my mouth
talking to mike..which put a smile on my face...
having dinner with my dad
getting home safely
my three piggy banks sitting by my french windows
talking to mike..which put a smile on my face (oh wait, i put this one already..well, see how thankful i am for this one?)
chatting with chuck who puts an even bigger smile on my face...

things and people i pray for:

that chuck is ok..that he finds a nice new apartment and a nice new job and that he's always safe
that mike's heart becomes whole again
that tim and nicole are doing alright, the same thing with their kids. that tim's second job is going well and that theyre new pup is healthy and that their house renovation is ok...
that christine and eric are doing alright too
that clarence will stop drinking too much..and that the dna test will show harmony is his kid...
that shaun's safe in iraq
that scott will be safe in iraq
that lovine and all my friends in cali are always safe
that trina doesnt feel insecure
that jun gets to concentrate for the bar exams
that my dad lives a longgggg life
that the days quickly pass so that when i wake up, im back in chicago again

treasures found in pain...

2005-06-27T08:38:00.000+08:00

i miss mike...will never have another friend like him. sui generis.

'nuff said.

and chuck...oh...no words can express how i feel on this one...

2005-06-27T07:47:00.000+08:00

the weekend that passed by was probably the worst ive had in my entire life. it began with a terrible fight with a good friend of mine that made me cry the entire day. add that to an almost 4-hour surgery of getting my wisdom tooth out. apparently, i have low tolerance for pain. i had to be injected with anesthesia every 20 minutes (which, by the way, did not help at all coz i still felt the drilling and the incision). then the swollenness of my left side started to get to me. thats not all. i had to suffer dysmennorea on my first day and a 40degree fever for that matter. im hungry as hell but i cant eat.

but despite the wicked weekend, i did learn quite a few things from it. for one thing, i know that mike's important to me. but i learned even more how important he really is to me. i learned not to let go of friends when they need you the most even if you think that by letting go, ur helping them out. coz trust me, more often than not, letting go is not the best way to help out a friend. i also learned the importance of second chances and not fucking up those second chances. i just hope that *maureen* will learn that as well. im thankful for my surgery as well. at least i wouldnt have to cringe in pain every now and then. id just have to get through this and its goodbye pain of wisdom teeth forever.

there will always be something to be thankful for even if the situation seems totally insane.

R.I.P.

2005-06-24T15:45:00.000+08:00

i died last night due to complications of the heart. . .caused by complete stupidity coupled with selfishness. in the end, i lost the one true friend i have. i lost my life.

until i find the strength to live again, this site will be temporarily un-updated.

stupidity killed the cat...

2005-06-24T06:38:00.000+08:00

maybe next time i should just shut up and not say what i feel even if its tearing me apart. maybe that way i wouldnt have ruined the best friendship ive had in 23 years. i guess im just too emotional and i cant keep my feelings bottled up inside. lemme tell you this, though. ive learned my lesson. no matter how honest a friendship maybe, sometimes you just cant say anything and everything because no matter how honest and good-intentioned you are, you will always be misunderstood.

letting you go didnt mean i was walking away. it meant i didnt wanna ruin things for you. but at the end of it all, i actually did. and i broke two hearts while i was at it...yours and mine. no words nor amount of tears can do justice in telling you how much i regret doing it and i wouldnt do it that way if given a second chance. but i guess there are no second chances, even if i was trying to be honest...even if i was trying to be a friend.

how do i mend this broken friendship? someone please tell me.

our friendship means the world to me. and im sorry for doing and saying whatever i did and said...a heart cannot be broken twice in 2 months. id understand if u want the goodbye to be forever and that i'll have the rest of my life to regret letting go of a friend like you...

2005-06-24T04:39:00.000+08:00

the hardest thing in this world to do is to say goodbye. even temporarily. no matter who the person is, its just never easy. a part of you is left behind with the person and a part of that person is left behind with you. and no matter how hard you try, your heart breaks and ur never the same again.

what hurts me the most is when someone cannot fight for me. the battle has just begun and yet they just put down the sword and say i surrender. i understand, though. they love the enemy and i am nothing but a common villager in the warrior's world. and commoners dont just mix with the royalties. they just dont. even if they are good friends.

i thought i have learned the value of friendship from all my past experiences. i have given up and sacrificed so many things and people for my friends. and my friends have sacrificed everything for me, in the name of friendship. many times including love itself. i believe thats just the way life goes. but i guess this time i would have to sacrifice nothing else and no one else but myself for a friend. in the name of true friendship, and so that my friend may find love again.

and maybe when we see each other again, we'll pick up where we left off. or maybe not. but at least i know that by doing this, i am being a friend. even if its breaking my heart.

loneliness

2005-06-19T18:51:00.000+08:00

its so sad to feel so alone and lonely in a room full of people, music blasting from the speakers, people dancing and drinking and just having fun. because deep in myself, i know my heart is somewhere else. its just the physical that is present here. my heart and soul are somewhere else...my mind flies away. are they thinking of me too? do they miss me too? *wonder*

a shoulder to cry on

2005-06-17T08:05:00.000+08:00

there is nothing more fulfilling in a friendship than to be needed and to know that your hand is held when things go wrong. of course, now im feeling kind of helpless knowing that im ten thousand miles away from mike and chuck. im forgetting about my troubles and im trying to be strong for them as they were strong for me when things were extremely fucked up. wish i could make things better for them, drive all their worries away. but all i can do is be their friend.

gosh

2005-06-16T07:48:00.000+08:00

ive been living like a zombie these past few days. you'd think that my friends would jump at the chance to see me and be with me but you're wrong. i came back here only to find out that nothing has changed. everyone is still busy living their own lives. i think i get in touch with them more when i was away than when im here. sad, really. and then there are those special people i left in chi-town and its just not the same. out of sight, out of mind. i find myself sighing almost every minute, wondering why im here and not there. the what ifs of life are immaterial when youve taken the chance, youre happy with taking the chance but the other end of the spectrum just isnt willing to balance it out with you. why is that? when its so easy to say what you really want? *wonder*

just hellos -- USA 2005, a reflection

2005-06-11T18:23:00.000+08:00

before i begin...

any close friend of mine would know that i am going back to manila against my will. just about any person would definitely assume that the reason for this is that i met a guy and all that shiznit. here's the 411 coming straight from the horse's mouth.

genesis...

i have been bound by the ties of conservatism, familyism, tradition, filipinoism and catholisicm since the day i was born. choices were made for me by the filipino tradition and catholic teachings that my parents adhere to. my life was all mapped out for me. all i had to do was walk the path. of course, somewhere along the way, i took cross-streets not printed out in the map in the hopes that i will find myself somewhere, only to be disappointed that the map has already been implanted in my brain. any decision that i had to make must be a logical and rational one.

awakening...

taking this trip on my own woke me up from the deep sleep that i have been this past 23 and a half years of my life, the sleep being caused by hypnosis. i found myself amidst a world of freedom and independence. truth is, with those come responsibility, the kind that ive never encountered before. and not only did i like it... i loved it. and each day i crave for the responsibilities that i would have to face, the simple household chores that i would have to do, the errands that i need to run. the fear of being alone suddenly disappearing, knowing that i would need to hack it in this world all by myself. no phone calls to my dad to rescue me in the middle of a fucked up situation. just me, trying to get out of a problem, finding the solution by myself.

after 23 and a half years,
12 piercings on my ears,
a pierced tongue,
3 tattoos, 3
serious heartbreaking boyfriends,
a gazillion prince charmings,
2 years of depression,
50 slashes on my wrist,
over 10 years of insomnia,
and one unforgivable sin,
i have finally found home. and in this home i found who i truly am.

no changes...

i still want to be a lawyer. that has been a dream ever since i could remember. i still love my dad more than anyone or anything else in this world. he's still my best friend and i will always be daddy's little girl. im still the boyish charmer that you know. i'll still feed hungry people, especially hungry friends. i will still die for the people i love.

lessons learned...

everything i need to learn or learn even more, i learned in 2 months. i am who i choose to be. i am the decisions that i make. i have nobody to blame but myself. i cannot blame my wrong decisions on my mapped out life. i could very well throw away that map and live the life i want to live.

the people...

although i mention lovine a whole lot of times in my blogs, id like everyone to know that i am not romantically attracted to him. he is just one wise clown and i'll forever be thankful to this one hell of a patient friend.

clarence has taught me the simplicities of life, to have an outlook of a child. he makes life so uncomplicated although tackling problems head on. he taught me to accept things as they are and pounded on my head that 300 days is not at all long.

tim and nicole. THE swinging couple-big brother/sister who taught me the values of being open and how it is to have fun again.

mike. the realities of marriage at age 25 has brought me and him closer. that to meet one last time before i leave will not hurt us but will both make us smile, knowing we will always have a friend in each other.

and finally, chuck, who taught me that patience is indeed a virtue. he's got goals in life and the strongest of all will powers and determination to make them happen. showed me that a little faith in people wont hurt because sometimes, people mean what they say and they do what they say. that there will always be something to look forward to. after all, the four seasons of the windy city come by so quickly. and the most important of all things, i learned how to be 16 again.

the decision...

to be logical now is the most illogical decision i will be making. for someone who has let her mind rule over her heart for over 2 decades, this decision is pounding on my door. now that i know what i want, and what will make me happy, all i gotta do is to do what i want to do...but in the right manner and way, not the running away course. i will become a lawyer. i will pass the bar exams. i will finally move to the windy city, permanently. i will take the illinois multi-state bar exams and will pass it with flying colors. i will have a job in a law firm in the city, earn my money, and buy my own place along lake shore drive where i can enjoy the serenity of lake michigan with my one true love, whoever he may be (of course, if i could choose who he will be, i already have someone in mind).

leaving my heart in the windy city...

no goodbyes. just a whole lot of hellos. u still owe me something, chuck. i'll be back.

starlight, starbright...

2005-06-10T12:56:00.000+08:00

...first star i see tonight. i wish i may, i wish i might have the wish i wish tonight.

I WISH that...

time would stop;

someone can give me a reason for all this;

i can understand why i have to go home.

unfortunately, there are no stars in the sky tonight. only the dark clouds and the shadow of lightnings signaling rain. the rain that will drown all the tears in my eyes.

three wise men...

2005-06-09T22:19:00.000+08:00

do wise men only exist during christmas? are they limited to melchor, gaspar and balthazar? do wisdom teeth make people wise? do wise people have to be old or with white hair?

i think wise people take different forms (ok, fine, they only take the form of human beings but u know what i mean). there are the old wise people. you know, those with white hair. there are those wise people who get their wisdom from books. but thats like more of the knowledge kinda wisdom. then there are those who are wise based on experiences of their past.

then weird enough, there are those who make your life hell and yet still make sense. yes, HELL. talk about blaming rear-enders on you and making you dance with strippers. include the fact that he was scheming to have strippers wake you up as you silently sleep through a couple of hours of $20 strip shows. plus somehow he never gets tired of just making you asar. and he thinks being serious is something he can never do. but lemme tell you this, mister. amidst the easy-going lifestyle that you have, and amidst the pleasure you get from seeing me pissed off, you're funnily serious in your own way.

i dont think someone can meet as much as the three wise men of christmas in one's entire life. but hey, im not complaining that im friends with one.

time, etc....

2005-06-07T13:00:00.000+08:00

clock ticking.
four days left at home. windy city.
three days to spend with charles.
seventeen-hour plane ride back to manila.
two years to finish law.
two and a half years until i take the bar.
a few months more until im back home. for good.

cried my eyes out. i dont wanna go back to manila. so i called my one true love. he knocked some sense into my head. and after the conversation, my one true love turned into my one true friend and brother.

he's not the one. but at least i didnt get my heart broken.

general cleaning

2005-06-05T20:42:00.000+08:00

so i get a broken heart from matt and i thought i'll never bounce back. but then you know what they say, someone better will come along. always. its just up to you to open the door and let that person in.

sometimes you just have to clean out the ghosts to make room for an angel.

i was able to get back on track, clean out my closet, open the doors and even the windows to let some sunshine in. sometimes you just need the right person to make you believe in fairy tales once more. the right person and a little kiss. *i feel like im 16 again*

color blocks and a little more

2005-06-04T01:17:00.000+08:00

do u ever believe in mood tests? well, somehow they say some shadow of a truth in them. here's mine.

colors: black, gray, blue, yellow, red, green, LBM brown, purple (not lilac)

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.
You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and LET GO.

ok, there you go, LET GO.

cupid's favorite

2005-06-02T11:23:00.000+08:00

just when ive stripped myself of all fears, and actually taken the leap, i get burned and get my heart broken. big time.

why is it that way? that when we have decided to take the risk, it ends up breaking our heart...can we swear off love for the rest of our life? and if we do, what happens then? whats more worth it, swearing off love or continue believing in it in the hopes that it will follow thru at one point or the other. why cant we have definite answers on questions about love? and how come even if we dont let love be the end-all of our lives, it somehow finds its way to manipulate us?

for people like me who always fall in love, and always get our hearts broken, when is the right time to say IVE HAD ENOUGH?

an arrest, sweethearts and mixed feelings

2005-05-31T04:54:00.000+08:00

ok, im up. tim's been calling me a slug all night last night and im beginning to feel like one. a slug with blonde hair. damn.

got arrested before i went home today. thank god it was tim who arrested me. harhar.

the weekend was so much fun. watched the longest yard friday night and u can just bet that its another hilarious adam sandler movie. i learned though that its a remake of an older movie where burt reynolds played the character that adam sandlers playing in this one and the original is a more serious movie too. spent saturday helping out tim and nicole prepare for the party that night. and all the time i made jell-o shots, they taste like cough syrup because of the alcohol but thank god that i didnt fuck it up saturday night. the jell-o shots were almost perfect except that some of them had the tops frozen because me and nicole were worried that they were not gonna freeze up enough on time so we put them inside the killer freezer. uh-oh. wrong move. but then the ice started to melt anyways and they were perfect -- especially for nicoles version of jell-o shots on shaun. harharhar. the couples who were at the party were really nice. and im not saying this because tim might be reading this. they were really nice. maybe i could say it better in tagalog -- solid sa bait. i had good chats with donna and kristine and beth was hilarious. i dunno why tammy couldnt laugh at tims jokes. he cracks me up all the time. and the guys were nice too. oh but i just cant forget eric saying, why am i always cute and never hot? well, honey, thats because u dont look your age.

i practically slept through sunday. i got slapped in the ass for making a butt print on the couch. harharhar. tim and nicoles kids came home yesterday and they were sweethearts! when they were already off to bed, cassidy gave me a hug and kissed me and said goodnight. nicole whispered that katie isnt as touchy as cassidy and so i shouldnt be "hurt" if katie wont hug me goodnight. i said, ok. but guess what? she did hug me and kiss me as she said goodnight! and nicole was like, now thats a surprise! =) i guess kids just naturally love me, eh?

nicole with katie, me and katie and cassidy, katie and cassidy

so anyway, we also got to watch empire falls on hbo (first part on saturday night, second part last night) and that was one hell of a movie. its so hard to explain here but maybe u guys can try catching it on hbo or try reading the book too. we also had an alcohol fest last night. the coconut rhum with pineapple juice was so good i think i had four. but then tim and nicole started teasing me, looking for the "wild college chick." haha. i think i lost that person back in prospect heights with all the old people im with for so long! i hate it! besides, i also didnt wanna get totally drunk and all otherwise i would have spent the rest of the night in the bathroom.

i kept turning last night. and i woke up uneasy today. i love meeting new people especially when they turn out to be really nice people. its not easy to find nice people nowadays. and its great that i found great friends in tim and nicole in such a short span of time. they are like a big brother and sister to me. they always make sure im ok and take care of me real good.

so why do i feel uneasy, u ask? well because this sucks that im going back in two weeks. i hate this. i dont wanna go home not only because i have found such good friends in tim and nicole. i dont wanna go home because this is the life i have been wanting and i feel obligated to go home. its like i need to pay back my folks for all these years that they have reared me. that i need to make the most out of the "investments" made on me. i guess a small part in me (operative word: SMALL) doesnt wanna waste all the two years i have already spent in law school and that the next two years will be a breeze. and a little part in me is telling me, hey you'll be back soon anyway and will be back even longer next spring.

but thats not the whole point. i dont wanna go back. this is home. this is the life i want. this is who i am. this is who i choose to be. should anyone stop me? NO. should anyone influence my decisions? NO.

then you say, then fuck everything and stay! should i let my heart rule over logic on this one? i dont think so. tim doesnt think so either. if i dont go home and just decide on this this way, its like im running away from something. maybe i am. maybe im running away from the life that someone else has laid down for me to live. and maybe im running towards the life i want to live. but as tim has said it, i should do it the right way. yeah...but doing it the right way still doesnt change the fact that this is breaking my heart.

something for the weekend

2005-05-27T22:42:00.000+08:00

ill be out for the entire weekend. will be spending it in joliet with a couple of my friends.

this week has been a blur.

talagang may mga taong malabo. pero whats most endearing would be misunderstandings between good friends. take the operative word: ENDEARING. i guess no matter how long ive been friends with people, there will always be those times when there would be some misunderstandings. after all, nothing is perfect in this world, even the most perfect of all friendships. i guess im with friends who are as matampuhin as i am. beneath the tough cover would always be someone who is pusong mamon. people who know me well can vouch for that. but hey, the good part is that after i sleep on it, tapos na. especially when my katampuhan with is someone i love dearly. (just a little postscript on this part: i dont date guys who are already emotionally taken by any of my best friends. kumbaga, namarkahan na. i dont play mind games either. ive already been in a relationship where mind games ruled the both of us and it hurt like hell so i know better than playing mind games with my best friends).

another blur: i think i romanticize love too much that i keep forgetting the real meaning of it. what is love anyway? not even lovine can answer this. maybe thats why i always say im in love, because i dont even know what the hell im talking about. then again, im too busy trying to define love that i wouldnt know love when it hits me.

blurrrrrrr....i cant understand why the most important of people in my life cannot share the most important events too. to whoever BM is: im down on my knees...begging...please be at the party with me. i want my brothers to be there. not to have my brothers at the party would be like...i dunno..such an empty feeling.

even more blurrrrrrrrrrr...i love him, i love him not. (i could hear everyone saying: WHO???) if you know me, you know who he is. he damn well knows who he is anyway.

ok folks, im ready to go enjoy the weekend! pictures to follow. enjoy yours too!

blank

2005-05-27T11:42:00.000+08:00

theres just so much stuff going on in my head that everything seems to draw a big blank right in front of me. i dont even know if im making any sense. but damn the sense. who the fuck cares?

you know whats disappointing? when u find out that after years of friendship, people you see and treat as brothers and sisters do not know you at all. more than disappointment is the fact that your heart just breaks at the thought that these people have somehow doubted you. well i guess this world really is a world of disappointments...

but for every disappointment there are good things that happen too. will spend the weekend with tim and nicole and will go out with charlie on wednesday...this is the way to forget about heartaches.

more importantly, thank god for lovers like mine. THANK YOU DORANNE! i love what you did to this page. i owe you. mwah!

PS: pau, sorry if i had to change the look of this site again. i do appreciate the make-over the first time around. really. i just thought i needed the change due to some personal reasons.

blah..blah..

2005-05-26T10:10:00.000+08:00

i think i blog too much.

ANYWAY...

i tried learning html and photoshop today. yes, the entire day was spent in front of this freaking notebook, making butingting the tool bar of photoshop and typing too many html tags, the outcome of which looked like shit. then i suddenly realized: tangina kaya nga ako nag-law school eh! u cant even fight these programs...cant argue with them. and i felt so helpless!

on a more typical patbau day...im in love! (i could hear everone saying *so what else is new*) wala lang. bakit ba? i like the feeling. and i am entitled to be fickle- minded about the guys i fall in love with. after all, i am a girl...and its all fun, fun, fun. things like this shouldnt be taken seriously at any time.

for angel

2005-05-26T05:25:00.000+08:00

on your first paragraph (second pala): they have miserable and pathetic lives. they cannot bear seeing you an inch close to happiness if not ecstacy. somehow people do not know how to be happy for other people. as far as i know, it's not taught in school. not in ateneo. or maybe i was in the doghouse, you know playing bridge (with matching yosi andBJ from ate regine), the day they taught it.

on your third paragraph: no, that's not friendship at all. that's called being a chicken. not even gamitan.

on your fourth paragraph: small talk, big issues. been there, done that. and it's not even the anger that is overpowering my emotions on this one. it's the frustration that everything crumbles at the sense of a big mumbo-jumbo over nothing. and no matter how little the truth is, there is no justification for stretching it.

on your fifth paragraph: we are all scheming one way or the other. probably not as balahura as other people are but hey, we are. and sometimes if we want something so bad, do we actually sit and wait? ok, fine, maybe some people do sit and wait for the apple to fall from the tree. but there are also some who take matters into their own hands and do something about it. the way i see it is that as long as you dont step on anybody's toes, hell, let's get it on.

on your sixth paragraph: at least ako aminadong may sungay, buntot at may malaking tinidor sa tabi ko. yes, people, i am evil.

wrapping up: do you just sit there and vent or do you something about it and strangle them? my best bet is that you would continue to vent =P see, you're so peace-loving that you'd wait until it's the end of the world before you allow yourself to avenge yourself. but hey, what are your friends there for, right. you know what the bitch or asshole will go through once me and lei and cha and lils and mic (im counting jill out, masyado siyang loving) get pissed off for you.

umagang kay ganda

2005-05-25T07:42:00.000+08:00

basta't tayo'y magkasama, laging mayroong umagang kay ganda.

=(

2005-05-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

i can't deny it anymore...i miss my bad boy...

FIRSTS...and a squad ride

2005-05-24T08:41:00.000+08:00

to my friends in l.a., those who i just met, and those ive known for a long time: the weekend will go down in MY history books as the official FIRST weekend.

thanks to ate lovette for the kwentos and the "love advice" and my pasta baon for the ride home. oh and for siding with me sometimes when lovine is nang-aasar.

and....much more and special thanks to lovine for: picking me up from lax despite the rush hour of a friday night, bringing me to that good crepe place, driving to oc (even if akala ko sasaksakin kami), dinner at koji's, blaming me for his second fender bender of the day, driving to beverly hills (even if my cousin isnt there anymore), getty center, dinner at that steak place, adult store, lesbian party, go-go dancers, tipping go-go dancers (hindi kita matiis), his extraordinary performance with "jill," deja vu, scheming with jj, non-bath trip to the restaurant, lunch at that thai restaurant, going back to look for my wallet, taking me to lax despite the horrid traffic of the freeways in the morning. and more importantly, thanks for making me pitik, and for always making me asar. talk about cariniong brutal. thanks. thanks. thanks. thanks. lovine's the best.

back here in chitown...

so tim picked me up from ohare and i got to ride in his squad car and it was the shit! so 294 was slow coz of all the road works going on (though definitely not as bad as l.a. freeways) and the people in the other cars kept looking at us. tim was like "hey those guys keep looking at you" and i was like "probably coz im a hot chick." BARELY! they were looking at me coz people thought i was tim's partner. well who the fuck cares anyway. the ride was the shit. so i just cant wait to spend memorial weekend with them. its gonna be one hell of a ride too :P

the shit

2005-05-17T03:56:00.000+08:00

the weekend rolled by so fast i didnt even notice that it happened.

friday night was the shit. it was like the awakening. tim picked me up at 8pm on the dot. (i was skeptical that he would arrive in prosepct heights at 8pm sharp, as he had said earlier in the day, from joliet--it was raining and it was, after all, a friday night...294 gets hell). he had to call nicole and let her know he didnt pick up a bum from somewhere (LOL). i swear they are like the sweetest couple i've met ever. they probably say i love you to each other like a million times in one phone call! ANYWAY...the drive back to joliet didnt seem like 45 minutes. tim was a talker, and a republican, so we definitely had so much to talk about. when we got to their place, i was nervous as hell. but hey, who could blame me, right? nicole was there and until i saw them together, i didnt realize that they were such a beautiful couple. so we watched some tv and some videos and then BAM! that was it. i dont even think words can do any justice to what happens after. ONE NIGHT TO REMEMBER...ONE NIGHT TO KEEP...A DIFFERENT LIFESTYLE TO LIVE. THANKS TIM and NICOLE! =)

saturday and sunday were the shit too. i was bed ridden in hell as my wisdom TEETH on the left side are both coming out. uncle jerry gave me vicodin and its like i was drugged 24/7. i couldnt do anything at all. i was just groggy and wasted. but hey, the drug was the shit too. wonder if i could take some back home? lol/

im all better now. i finally had my first meal in two days and it felt good. had sebastian's stuffed porkchops and chicken. that was the shit too.

being in the downtown is the shit too. will be in LA to see the rest of my good friends, including my favorite person, this weekend. thats the shit too.

a poem

2005-05-12T09:45:00.000+08:00

my favorite person. *bow*

lovine is my favorite person...
if not in the world then at least in the united states...
if not in the united states then definitely in california.
he drives 45 minutes to some wrong direction ive given him
just to pick me up and save me
from the clutches of outrageous filipino catholicism.
yeah he talks a lot
and he asks a lot of questions,
and the truth definitely doesnt shut him up at all.
in fact, he talks even more
and asks more questions.
probably out of total shock.
i love him nevertheless.
he sleeps on the floor
so i can feel safe on the bed
amidst tarzana's moo-moos.
in fact, he even stays awake with me
as i refuse to sleep (at 4am)
despite the bed calling him
and despite the fact that
we have to wake up at 8am the next day.
he will pick me up from the airport
after a gruelling day at work,
and despite the horrendous LA traffic during rush hour
(ok, thats kinda redundant...but hey, its los angeles traffic)
and he will lemme stay in his house
(again).
and maybe he would sleep on the floor
(again)
coz he knows im sucha chicken head
*ahem ahem*

i love lovine.
he's my favorite person. *bow*

2005-05-09T09:18:00.000+08:00

i just woke up and realized that life began on wednesday and ended today. damn.

my aunt from germany flew in for the weekend since i could no longer fly over to see her in hamburg (damn those call center people for the german embassy who couldn't get shit straight). the first three days came as a breeze. i was starting to feel like a ditz by friday afternoon as i was out of the house by 9am, trying to conquer as many stores as possible (thank god for birkentsocks!) i asked my aunt to shoot me if i came home with another bag in my hands. i should be dead by now if my aunt hadn't given me the reprieve so we could enjoy the weekend. as saturday rolled by, we were on the road to wisconsin at 8am, to (yet again) wage war against the outlet stores in pleasant prairie. we stopped for lunch at gurnee mills but that wasn't it. we were at it again, shopping, raking each and every store in gurnee. im beginning to feel that i'm turning into a typical teenage american girl.

saturday night was spent bonding with my two favorite family members in the entire world. they neither comment nor condemn anything i say. i felt at peace coz i don't have to hide beneath the impressions and expectations of people. i could be who i am around them. the bonding session continued on to the dancefloor as we went drinking and dancing all night! the dancefloor seemed to have that big welcome sign, saying fuck it (inspired by eamon's wonderful song with the same title).

and that's exactly what i've learned from my aunt and uncle. that's what i'm learning here in the windy city: FUCK IT. fuck what people say or think. i'd do what i know is right for me, and not for the world that is watching. fuck all those babayagas. russian folklores have no place in my life. fuck all the heartbreaks. the one will always find his way to you. fuck it. just fuck it. coz starting today, i'm living the life i like.

blackmail

2005-05-04T22:45:00.000+08:00

ok, so i told angel that she ought to check out my blogger page. and she did. i told her to leave a comment and she didn't. her reason: your blogs have nothing to do with me. why should i comment on them? well, she has a point. you shouldn't comment on a blog when it has nothing to do with you, right? HELL, WRONG!

dude, the reason why it's called a blog is because the person blogging has been granted by the world wide web the authority to rant about anything under the sun, especially about oneself. and then the "outsiders" comment or say their opinion on what the blogging person has said. at least i think that's the general idea of this thing, right? so suppose i write something about some old couples i see in the park, holding hands, and opine that it's surprising how these days there are still those couples who stay together blah blah. the reader comments, yeah it's not normal to find long-term relationships nowadays. see? that's the entire point. if i write something about you, then it ain't no blogger of mine anymore. heck, i'd bet you won't even write anything about me but i'll still find something to say in your blogger. haha!

i love angel. she loves the attention so much, i'm giving her the time of day right now =P i guess i'm just missing my dolphin-loving, cartwheeling (yes, she's way better than mr. gopez) cheerdancer, talkative but ever listening friend.

nostalgia

2005-04-30T10:24:00.000+08:00

plambautista: san ba school mo?
sixthfiddler: asia pacific film institue
sixthfiddler: along edsa
sixthfiddler: lunch tayo!
plambautista: which part of edsa
sixthfiddler: sa ortigas!
sixthfiddler: :)
sixthfiddler: you want?
plambautista: mahaba ang edsa
plambautista: sige!
sixthfiddler: lunch or merienda
plambautista: i'll bring my new 6.1mp cam
plambautista: hehe
sixthfiddler: right in front of the shrine, right beside POEA
sixthfiddler: AY GRABE
sixthfiddler: sige
sixthfiddler: i'll bring my new boyfriend?
sixthfiddler: hahahahahaha
sixthfiddler: ANG PANGET
plambautista: punyeta
sixthfiddler: SHIT
sixthfiddler: ANG PANGEEEEEEEEET
sixthfiddler: forget i said that please
sixthfiddler: yuck
sixthfiddler: i want to slap myself
sixthfiddler: YUCK
sixthfiddler: YUCK
sixthfiddler: YUCK
sixthfiddler: YUCK
plambautista: hahahahaha....check out my blogger in a few minutes
sixthfiddler: sige
sixthfiddler: but seriosly tho... you want me to bring mike?
sixthfiddler: diba you said you wanna meet him?
plambautista: pwede..
plambautista: pero censored ang conversations natin eheh
sixthfiddler: he can leave us alone later on
sixthfiddler: haha
sixthfiddler: just for you to meet
plambautista: ah sige
sixthfiddler: and for him to pay for our food
sixthfiddler: wahahaha
plambautista: hahahaha

even if i dont talk to her for months, i know that i have my eggnog to run to when i need someone to smack me in the head. as she has said, there are different kinds of best friends. she's one of mine :) i miss you mic. i'm your number two fan. always. i love you! and i'll see you soon.

old skool

2005-04-28T00:45:00.000+08:00

there will always be a piece of the past in all of us. there's always a taint of tradition in our bones. after all, post-its don't always stick. at least not forever. pda's and computers always have the possibility of crashing. since there's no guarantee as to the future, it's always best to look back on yesterday and see how it would make you move on.

SIN CITY

2005-04-27T07:59:00.000+08:00

SOS 8888: in the Sin City with Sherrie and Tita Shirley. Damnit Shaun! Why do you have to be in Iraq?!?

april winter

2005-04-26T02:54:00.000+08:00

i feel as if i'm that kite stuck on a tree during this cold spring season of the windy city.

butterfly kisses

2005-04-26T02:53:00.000+08:00

the weekend was fun (though i was not too thrilled about the 20-degree wind outside!) three days of total intoxication: red and white wine, margarita, whiskey coke, bud light... damn, no wonder my stomach was ready to turn inside out! what hodgepodge of alcohol! hours of dancing and chatting. bar-full of guys: shrubs and trees, sinatras and siberian huskies, straight and gay.

i love this life!

i should do this more often, being all laid back without any care in this world. the only moment when i think of nothing but myself and the things that i want. when was the last time i thought of myself, anyway?

i've been craving for total independence. breaking free from the chains binding me to the path laid down by the world for me. silencing the murmurs of the wind that's trying to make me move. the wedding bells may not be ringing just yet but it's about time i let go of his hand.

360 degree turn

2005-04-25T00:42:00.000+08:00

you cannot change a person with one dance. neither can you change him overnight.

i was always told that there's no such thing as change; only understanding.

will i wait for him to change? no. i keep loving him even more each day.

blech. mehn! total sappiness. eew.

senior citizens' carpool

2005-04-24T06:10:00.000+08:00

driving home with my grandfolks and their neighbors. coming from a wedding anniversary of another neighbor. old neighbor number 1: you know what, patti, don't grow old.

peter pan syndrome. can we really stop time and live as if we're sixteen? forever?

2005-04-24T00:21:00.000+08:00

pat and lovine in an artshow, downtown los angeles.

PAT: yung latin naiintindihan ko pero yung french hindi.
LOVINE: eh ang puso?

eew. keso ampotah.

thinking...

2005-04-24T00:15:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, Where have I gone wrong? Then a voice says to me, This is going to take more than one night. -- Charlie Brown

Hell yeah.

anonymous

2005-04-23T14:48:00.000+08:00

too much of a chicken to say who you are.

2005-04-23T13:01:00.000+08:00

gopwez: "FUCK! I missed it!" (referring to almost each and every exit in the freeway)

2005-04-23T12:59:00.001+08:00

with gopwez in the sunny west coast.

The WEST SIDE STORY

2005-04-23T12:58:00.000+08:00

always give someone or something a chance to prove him/herself or itself to you. i mean go ahead and judge a book by its cover but try reading it too. you can always put it down or throw it out the window when you get pissed off at the story. or you can also allow yourself to drown in romanticized words of the author. the point is, give it a chance to flirt with you. who knows, you might be part of the whole scenario anyways.

the truth

2005-04-12T06:51:00.000+08:00

do you even know what i've done for you? dude, i'm not even asking for a thank you of some sort. all i'm asking is that you be a man and face the music. to run away is the most coward thing that you can do. to leave something hanging, with me getting stuck with everything. just so you know, i fought for you. i defended you. i told everyone that i saw through the image, that you're a good person and that you have the best of intentions at heart. that you don't hurt people on purpose and that you make sure i'm safe. heck, i told them i really wouldn't care about what they say because you can damn make me laugh. but after this, i wonder if i did the right thing, coming to your rescue when people were killing you with words...maybe i did the wrong thing. but i still do believe in you....if that's even worth anything at all.

me

2005-04-12T06:40:00.000+08:00

for people who think they know me, even in the slightest way, think again...

i don't get mad. i get even. of course, vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord...but i'm only human. and sometimes the Lord takes forever to avenge me.
i'm always in love. day in and day out. it even changes in the middle of the day so don't even think you're anyone THAT special. you're just one of those guys, you know =)
i'm malambing. and i really hate letting my friends go hungry. so i give them chocolates or food. and when i see something that reminds me of you, i'd buy it an instant. hey, i'd do it for anyone and everyone.
if i want something done, i'd do it myself. if it needs your physical presence, i'd pick you up wherever you are and bring you to wherever my "project" would be (and not because i think you're cute).

ok, i can't think of the other things, probably because my brain is already on its way to chicago..

running away

2005-04-11T10:52:00.000+08:00

you know the feeling of being very safe around someone? the type wherein you know nothing will harm you. and if there comes a time that something bad will happen that person will just whisk you away into safety? something like a knight in shining armor, just hanging around, waiting for the time that he would rescue you? and you know the feeling that you fall in love and suddenly all the security that you feel is gone because you put yourself in the situation that you risk safety for a chance at being loved back? and then suddenly everything fades to gray and all is gone..the safety, the security, even the friendship.

with still all the love, no words to say, tears running down, a broken heart and a loss at gambling your friendship, you ride a plane and never look back.

weird familiarity

2005-04-07T09:05:00.000+08:00

you know how they say that sometimes all you need is closure and then you'll move on? how do you know when you've achieved some sort of closure in your life? yeah, right, confront everything. and what happens after that? there's no guarantee that the past will be left behind. and assuming in arguendo that you do leave the past behind, what makes you so sure that the past will not come back for you?

you know how sometimes we make the darnest mistakes of our lives? and it takes us forever and a day to forgive ourselves for those mistakes. and so we go on with life, thinking that the mistake is forever buried in the soils of forgiveness. then after long years of a new life, something comes up and it brings back the dead! and all you can say is...tangina...why the fuck am i so affected by it? haven't i left this all years ago? and then you realize that you never had closure.

because the reality is, there will always be that weird familiarity with people and things...and no matter how you try to leave behind everything to start anew, you bring the past with you...because who you are now is because of what was.

regrets

2005-04-06T08:36:00.000+08:00

do people have time for regrets? i mean, the longer we sulk ourselves into regrets, the slower the pace in moving on. do we honestly want to get stuck in the past when the future is full of suprises for us? good surprises. bad surprises. who cares? the fact of the matter is that we can't hold on to something that has already passed by coz in reality, there's nothing to hold on to anymore. it's gone. they have slipped through our fingers like grains of sand.

what else can you do anyway? we've already done the things that we've done. restrained ourselves from doing the things that we wanted or ought to do. said the awful words we didn't mean to say and kept the truth that we wanted to blurt out. too bad. but that's the way life goes. we can't undo or unsay anything. the moment has passed us by. the only thing left to do is to salvage whatever there is left to be salvaged.

but is there something left to be salvaged? =(

because if there is none, then we should make things better for the next batch of people who will come into our lives and pray that this time, we'll make all the right decisions, say all the right words, and do all the right things.

i can hate you

2005-04-05T12:15:00.000+08:00

yes, i can hate you even if you think that im totally in love with you. don't push me too far...i'd bring you to hell with me.