just hellos -- USA 2005, a reflection
before i begin...
any close friend of mine would know that i am going back to manila against my will. just about any person would definitely assume that the reason for this is that i met a guy and all that shiznit. here's the 411 coming straight from the horse's mouth.genesis...
i have been bound by the ties of conservatism, familyism, tradition, filipinoism and catholisicm since the day i was born. choices were made for me by the filipino tradition and catholic teachings that my parents adhere to. my life was all mapped out for me. all i had to do was walk the path. of course, somewhere along the way, i took cross-streets not printed out in the map in the hopes that i will find myself somewhere, only to be disappointed that the map has already been implanted in my brain. any decision that i had to make must be a logical and rational one.awakening...
taking this trip on my own woke me up from the deep sleep that i have been this past 23 and a half years of my life, the sleep being caused by hypnosis. i found myself amidst a world of freedom and independence. truth is, with those come responsibility, the kind that ive never encountered before. and not only did i like it... i loved it. and each day i crave for the responsibilities that i would have to face, the simple household chores that i would have to do, the errands that i need to run. the fear of being alone suddenly disappearing, knowing that i would need to hack it in this world all by myself. no phone calls to my dad to rescue me in the middle of a fucked up situation. just me, trying to get out of a problem, finding the solution by myself.
after 23 and a half years,
12 piercings on my ears,
a pierced tongue,
3 tattoos, 3
serious heartbreaking boyfriends,
a gazillion prince charmings,
2 years of depression,
50 slashes on my wrist,
over 10 years of insomnia,
and one unforgivable sin,
i have finally found home. and in this home i found who i truly am.
no changes...
i still want to be a lawyer. that has been a dream ever since i could remember. i still love my dad more than anyone or anything else in this world. he's still my best friend and i will always be daddy's little girl. im still the boyish charmer that you know. i'll still feed hungry people, especially hungry friends. i will still die for the people i love.lessons learned...
everything i need to learn or learn even more, i learned in 2 months. i am who i choose to be. i am the decisions that i make. i have nobody to blame but myself. i cannot blame my wrong decisions on my mapped out life. i could very well throw away that map and live the life i want to live. the people...
although i mention lovine a whole lot of times in my blogs, id like everyone to know that i am not romantically attracted to him. he is just one wise clown and i'll forever be thankful to this one hell of a patient friend.clarence has taught me the simplicities of life, to have an outlook of a child. he makes life so uncomplicated although tackling problems head on. he taught me to accept things as they are and pounded on my head that 300 days is not at all long.tim and nicole. THE swinging couple-big brother/sister who taught me the values of being open and how it is to have fun again.mike. the realities of marriage at age 25 has brought me and him closer. that to meet one last time before i leave will not hurt us but will both make us smile, knowing we will always have a friend in each other.and finally, chuck, who taught me that patience is indeed a virtue. he's got goals in life and the strongest of all will powers and determination to make them happen. showed me that a little faith in people wont hurt because sometimes, people mean what they say and they do what they say. that there will always be something to look forward to. after all, the four seasons of the windy city come by so quickly. and the most important of all things, i learned how to be 16 again.the decision...
to be logical now is the most illogical decision i will be making. for someone who has let her mind rule over her heart for over 2 decades, this decision is pounding on my door. now that i know what i want, and what will make me happy, all i gotta do is to do what i want to do...but in the right manner and way, not the running away course. i will become a lawyer. i will pass the bar exams. i will finally move to the windy city, permanently. i will take the illinois multi-state bar exams and will pass it with flying colors. i will have a job in a law firm in the city, earn my money, and buy my own place along lake shore drive where i can enjoy the serenity of lake michigan with my one true love, whoever he may be (of course, if i could choose who he will be, i already have someone in mind).leaving my heart in the windy city...
no goodbyes. just a whole lot of hellos. u still owe me something, chuck. i'll be back.
6:23:00 PM 
: 6/13/2005 10:27:00 AM
