WEAVING DAYDREAMS AND DISTORTING LULLABYES: June 2005

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

brand new day

i had to delete a post i wrote earlier today. i guess the post was another result of my impatience, and letting my emotions run me over before i let the entire situation simmer down. anyway, that deleted post isnt something too important for me or anyone else to dwell on. for me, the sun is shining despite the heavy rains and the future looks brighter than before. wish i could share this feeling of freedom with all the important people in my life, especially to my chuck and my good friend mike. tatang jq once told me that the clouds always have a silver lining. and i guess thats true.

people and things to be thankful for:

talking to chuck online...damn i miss him so much...i dont know how he does it but he can always put a smile on my face...
mike's short email
not getting called for insurance class (because i skipped school today and getting called by atty. quimson when absent means a grade of 50)
the rain...(what im not thankful for is not having chuck beside me while its raining)
the moments when i dont feel pain in my mouth (so that means im thankful for the medication that i have)...oh that little slice of chocolate cake that i managed to eat because it looked so tempting and i was so hungry...was worth the pain...lol
that the day has ended...which means its another new day CT and id get to talk to chuck and mike again (just hope mike's not too busy like yesterday...i miss my friend..)

things and people to pray for:

chuck, that he's always safe and sound...that all his troubles go away...that he finds a new job and a new apartment..and that he realizes that he's someone really special to me...
mike, that his heart be made whole again and that he realizes that this world is a beautiful place to live in and somewhere across the world someone loves him dearly
tim and nicole, katie and cassie
christine and eric
clarence
shaun's safety in iraq
scott's safety
political and social stability here in the philippines
that my wound heals quicker because the pain is draining all my energy and im getting really hungry...and so that i will be strong enough to go back to the gym...
that the days quickly pass by so that i wake up and find myself in chicago again...

7:05:00 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

weak at heart

its always fun to put on a game face and show everyone you're strong and undefeated. that way people stay away from you and would have to think twice about messing with you. its actually nice to have people respect you in some way because they are afraid of you. but then there are those times when you're alone and your greatest fears overpower you and u realize ur not as strong as u think you are and all the while ur just wearing a mask. a mask that fooled yourself as well.

on a less serious note: sometimes those masks can never hide the pain brought about by having your wisdom teeth yanked out. believe me, if the study of law isnt for the weak at heart, neither is getting your wisdom teeth out. damnit.

starting today, im adding this segment to each blog i make...

people and things im thankful for:

getting to school safely
not falling asleep in class
seeing my friends especially doranne (yihee)
those intervals when i dont feel pain in my mouth
talking to mike..which put a smile on my face...
having dinner with my dad
getting home safely
my three piggy banks sitting by my french windows
talking to mike..which put a smile on my face (oh wait, i put this one already..well, see how thankful i am for this one?)
chatting with chuck who puts an even bigger smile on my face...

things and people i pray for:

that chuck is ok..that he finds a nice new apartment and a nice new job and that he's always safe
that mike's heart becomes whole again
that tim and nicole are doing alright, the same thing with their kids. that tim's second job is going well and that theyre new pup is healthy and that their house renovation is ok...
that christine and eric are doing alright too
that clarence will stop drinking too much..and that the dna test will show harmony is his kid...
that shaun's safe in iraq
that scott will be safe in iraq
that lovine and all my friends in cali are always safe
that trina doesnt feel insecure
that jun gets to concentrate for the bar exams
that my dad lives a longgggg life
that the days quickly pass so that when i wake up, im back in chicago again

9:58:00 AM 1 comments

Monday, June 27, 2005

treasures found in pain...

i miss mike...will never have another friend like him. sui generis.

'nuff said.

and chuck...oh...no words can express how i feel on this one...

8:38:00 AM 4 comments

the weekend that passed by was probably the worst ive had in my entire life. it began with a terrible fight with a good friend of mine that made me cry the entire day. add that to an almost 4-hour surgery of getting my wisdom tooth out. apparently, i have low tolerance for pain. i had to be injected with anesthesia every 20 minutes (which, by the way, did not help at all coz i still felt the drilling and the incision). then the swollenness of my left side started to get to me. thats not all. i had to suffer dysmennorea on my first day and a 40degree fever for that matter. im hungry as hell but i cant eat.

but despite the wicked weekend, i did learn quite a few things from it. for one thing, i know that mike's important to me. but i learned even more how important he really is to me. i learned not to let go of friends when they need you the most even if you think that by letting go, ur helping them out. coz trust me, more often than not, letting go is not the best way to help out a friend. i also learned the importance of second chances and not fucking up those second chances. i just hope that *maureen* will learn that as well. im thankful for my surgery as well. at least i wouldnt have to cringe in pain every now and then. id just have to get through this and its goodbye pain of wisdom teeth forever.

there will always be something to be thankful for even if the situation seems totally insane.

7:47:00 AM 0 comments

Friday, June 24, 2005

R.I.P.

i died last night due to complications of the heart. . .caused by complete stupidity coupled with selfishness. in the end, i lost the one true friend i have. i lost my life.

until i find the strength to live again, this site will be temporarily un-updated.

3:45:00 PM 2 comments

stupidity killed the cat...

maybe next time i should just shut up and not say what i feel even if its tearing me apart. maybe that way i wouldnt have ruined the best friendship ive had in 23 years. i guess im just too emotional and i cant keep my feelings bottled up inside. lemme tell you this, though. ive learned my lesson. no matter how honest a friendship maybe, sometimes you just cant say anything and everything because no matter how honest and good-intentioned you are, you will always be misunderstood.

letting you go didnt mean i was walking away. it meant i didnt wanna ruin things for you. but at the end of it all, i actually did. and i broke two hearts while i was at it...yours and mine. no words nor amount of tears can do justice in telling you how much i regret doing it and i wouldnt do it that way if given a second chance. but i guess there are no second chances, even if i was trying to be honest...even if i was trying to be a friend.

how do i mend this broken friendship? someone please tell me.

our friendship means the world to me. and im sorry for doing and saying whatever i did and said...a heart cannot be broken twice in 2 months. id understand if u want the goodbye to be forever and that i'll have the rest of my life to regret letting go of a friend like you...

6:38:00 AM 1 comments

the hardest thing in this world to do is to say goodbye. even temporarily. no matter who the person is, its just never easy. a part of you is left behind with the person and a part of that person is left behind with you. and no matter how hard you try, your heart breaks and ur never the same again.

what hurts me the most is when someone cannot fight for me. the battle has just begun and yet they just put down the sword and say i surrender. i understand, though. they love the enemy and i am nothing but a common villager in the warrior's world. and commoners dont just mix with the royalties. they just dont. even if they are good friends.

i thought i have learned the value of friendship from all my past experiences. i have given up and sacrificed so many things and people for my friends. and my friends have sacrificed everything for me, in the name of friendship. many times including love itself. i believe thats just the way life goes. but i guess this time i would have to sacrifice nothing else and no one else but myself for a friend. in the name of true friendship, and so that my friend may find love again.

and maybe when we see each other again, we'll pick up where we left off. or maybe not. but at least i know that by doing this, i am being a friend. even if its breaking my heart.

4:39:00 AM 3 comments

Sunday, June 19, 2005

loneliness

its so sad to feel so alone and lonely in a room full of people, music blasting from the speakers, people dancing and drinking and just having fun. because deep in myself, i know my heart is somewhere else. its just the physical that is present here. my heart and soul are somewhere else...my mind flies away. are they thinking of me too? do they miss me too? *wonder*

6:51:00 PM 7 comments

Friday, June 17, 2005

a shoulder to cry on

there is nothing more fulfilling in a friendship than to be needed and to know that your hand is held when things go wrong. of course, now im feeling kind of helpless knowing that im ten thousand miles away from mike and chuck. im forgetting about my troubles and im trying to be strong for them as they were strong for me when things were extremely fucked up. wish i could make things better for them, drive all their worries away. but all i can do is be their friend.

8:05:00 AM 6 comments

Thursday, June 16, 2005

gosh

ive been living like a zombie these past few days. you'd think that my friends would jump at the chance to see me and be with me but you're wrong. i came back here only to find out that nothing has changed. everyone is still busy living their own lives. i think i get in touch with them more when i was away than when im here. sad, really. and then there are those special people i left in chi-town and its just not the same. out of sight, out of mind. i find myself sighing almost every minute, wondering why im here and not there. the what ifs of life are immaterial when youve taken the chance, youre happy with taking the chance but the other end of the spectrum just isnt willing to balance it out with you. why is that? when its so easy to say what you really want? *wonder*

7:48:00 AM 2 comments

Saturday, June 11, 2005

just hellos -- USA 2005, a reflection

before i begin...

any close friend of mine would know that i am going back to manila against my will. just about any person would definitely assume that the reason for this is that i met a guy and all that shiznit. here's the 411 coming straight from the horse's mouth.

genesis...

i have been bound by the ties of conservatism, familyism, tradition, filipinoism and catholisicm since the day i was born. choices were made for me by the filipino tradition and catholic teachings that my parents adhere to. my life was all mapped out for me. all i had to do was walk the path. of course, somewhere along the way, i took cross-streets not printed out in the map in the hopes that i will find myself somewhere, only to be disappointed that the map has already been implanted in my brain. any decision that i had to make must be a logical and rational one.

awakening...

taking this trip on my own woke me up from the deep sleep that i have been this past 23 and a half years of my life, the sleep being caused by hypnosis. i found myself amidst a world of freedom and independence. truth is, with those come responsibility, the kind that ive never encountered before. and not only did i like it... i loved it. and each day i crave for the responsibilities that i would have to face, the simple household chores that i would have to do, the errands that i need to run. the fear of being alone suddenly disappearing, knowing that i would need to hack it in this world all by myself. no phone calls to my dad to rescue me in the middle of a fucked up situation. just me, trying to get out of a problem, finding the solution by myself.

after 23 and a half years,
12 piercings on my ears,
a pierced tongue,
3 tattoos, 3
serious heartbreaking boyfriends,
a gazillion prince charmings,
2 years of depression,
50 slashes on my wrist,
over 10 years of insomnia,
and one unforgivable sin,
i have finally found home. and in this home i found who i truly am.

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no changes...

i still want to be a lawyer. that has been a dream ever since i could remember. i still love my dad more than anyone or anything else in this world. he's still my best friend and i will always be daddy's little girl. im still the boyish charmer that you know. i'll still feed hungry people, especially hungry friends. i will still die for the people i love.

lessons learned...

everything i need to learn or learn even more, i learned in 2 months. i am who i choose to be. i am the decisions that i make. i have nobody to blame but myself. i cannot blame my wrong decisions on my mapped out life. i could very well throw away that map and live the life i want to live.

the people...

although i mention lovine a whole lot of times in my blogs, id like everyone to know that i am not romantically attracted to him. he is just one wise clown and i'll forever be thankful to this one hell of a patient friend.

clarence has taught me the simplicities of life, to have an outlook of a child. he makes life so uncomplicated although tackling problems head on. he taught me to accept things as they are and pounded on my head that 300 days is not at all long.

tim and nicole. THE swinging couple-big brother/sister who taught me the values of being open and how it is to have fun again.

mike. the realities of marriage at age 25 has brought me and him closer. that to meet one last time before i leave will not hurt us but will both make us smile, knowing we will always have a friend in each other.

and finally, chuck, who taught me that patience is indeed a virtue. he's got goals in life and the strongest of all will powers and determination to make them happen. showed me that a little faith in people wont hurt because sometimes, people mean what they say and they do what they say. that there will always be something to look forward to. after all, the four seasons of the windy city come by so quickly. and the most important of all things, i learned how to be 16 again.

the decision...

to be logical now is the most illogical decision i will be making. for someone who has let her mind rule over her heart for over 2 decades, this decision is pounding on my door. now that i know what i want, and what will make me happy, all i gotta do is to do what i want to do...but in the right manner and way, not the running away course. i will become a lawyer. i will pass the bar exams. i will finally move to the windy city, permanently. i will take the illinois multi-state bar exams and will pass it with flying colors. i will have a job in a law firm in the city, earn my money, and buy my own place along lake shore drive where i can enjoy the serenity of lake michigan with my one true love, whoever he may be (of course, if i could choose who he will be, i already have someone in mind).

leaving my heart in the windy city...

no goodbyes. just a whole lot of hellos. u still owe me something, chuck. i'll be back.

6:23:00 PM 3 comments

Friday, June 10, 2005

starlight, starbright...

...first star i see tonight. i wish i may, i wish i might have the wish i wish tonight.

I WISH that...

time would stop;

someone can give me a reason for all this;

i can understand why i have to go home.

unfortunately, there are no stars in the sky tonight. only the dark clouds and the shadow of lightnings signaling rain. the rain that will drown all the tears in my eyes.

12:56:00 PM 0 comments

Thursday, June 09, 2005

three wise men...

do wise men only exist during christmas? are they limited to melchor, gaspar and balthazar? do wisdom teeth make people wise? do wise people have to be old or with white hair?

i think wise people take different forms (ok, fine, they only take the form of human beings but u know what i mean). there are the old wise people. you know, those with white hair. there are those wise people who get their wisdom from books. but thats like more of the knowledge kinda wisdom. then there are those who are wise based on experiences of their past.

then weird enough, there are those who make your life hell and yet still make sense. yes, HELL. talk about blaming rear-enders on you and making you dance with strippers. include the fact that he was scheming to have strippers wake you up as you silently sleep through a couple of hours of $20 strip shows. plus somehow he never gets tired of just making you asar. and he thinks being serious is something he can never do. but lemme tell you this, mister. amidst the easy-going lifestyle that you have, and amidst the pleasure you get from seeing me pissed off, you're funnily serious in your own way.

i dont think someone can meet as much as the three wise men of christmas in one's entire life. but hey, im not complaining that im friends with one.

10:19:00 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

time, etc....

clock ticking.
four days left at home. windy city.
three days to spend with charles.
seventeen-hour plane ride back to manila.
two years to finish law.
two and a half years until i take the bar.
a few months more until im back home. for good.

cried my eyes out. i dont wanna go back to manila. so i called my one true love. he knocked some sense into my head. and after the conversation, my one true love turned into my one true friend and brother.

he's not the one. but at least i didnt get my heart broken.

1:00:00 PM 3 comments

Sunday, June 05, 2005

general cleaning

so i get a broken heart from matt and i thought i'll never bounce back. but then you know what they say, someone better will come along. always. its just up to you to open the door and let that person in.

sometimes you just have to clean out the ghosts to make room for an angel.

i was able to get back on track, clean out my closet, open the doors and even the windows to let some sunshine in. sometimes you just need the right person to make you believe in fairy tales once more. the right person and a little kiss. *i feel like im 16 again*

8:42:00 PM 0 comments

Saturday, June 04, 2005

color blocks and a little more

do u ever believe in mood tests? well, somehow they say some shadow of a truth in them. here's mine.

colors: black, gray, blue, yellow, red, green, LBM brown, purple (not lilac)

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.
You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and LET GO.

ok, there you go, LET GO.

1:17:00 AM 1 comments

Thursday, June 02, 2005

cupid's favorite

just when ive stripped myself of all fears, and actually taken the leap, i get burned and get my heart broken. big time.

why is it that way? that when we have decided to take the risk, it ends up breaking our heart...can we swear off love for the rest of our life? and if we do, what happens then? whats more worth it, swearing off love or continue believing in it in the hopes that it will follow thru at one point or the other. why cant we have definite answers on questions about love? and how come even if we dont let love be the end-all of our lives, it somehow finds its way to manipulate us?

for people like me who always fall in love, and always get our hearts broken, when is the right time to say IVE HAD ENOUGH?

11:23:00 AM 8 comments