on my own
tinulugan mo ako...AGAIN! the problem with crying while in bed is that it puts you to sleep in such a graceful manner that when you close your eyes, the world just fades away. and then there's peace. now, now. i dont think thats a problem at all
(though i think someone gets really pissed if i fall asleep in the middle of our conversation. sorry!) if sleeping is the only way i can have peace of mind, then let me sleep forever. this fast-paced world is really driving me bananas. i cant cope with the decisions i have to face with, the choices that i have to make, the hearts that i have to break..and i definitely cannot cope with yet another broken heart. i have dreams to weave, chains to break, lullabyes to distort. thats the way life is for me. run away? no. sleep? yes. then maybe when i wake up id have a clearer picture of how i'll make the next step.
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spring 2005, phone call to manila
P: (crying on the phone) i dont wanna go home..really.
J: o, sino na namang lalaki ang rason bakit ayaw mo umuwi?
january 2006, over dinner
P: (smiling) im flying home to chicago
A: oh ok..dont tell me babalikan mo siya?!?
P: hindi noh! pucha. kinaliwa ako tapos babalikan ko? (yeah, complete and utter lie)
A: oo, gagawin mo yun! ikaw pa! naku patricia ha! wag kang babalik dito na kayo! naku!
P: deyn..
A: so hindi ka na tatakbo? di ba yun naman gusto mo before pa?
P: hindi ko alam..
hindi ko alam? HINDI KO ALAM?!? what kind of an answer is that?!? i have always known what i wanna be in the future. i have always focused on the end goal but...on the other end of the spectrum, i have always been told that i let guys dictate the way i would live my life.. that the decisions i have to make would depend on whether i'd like to fight for the relationship or not. NOT ANYMORE. i know what i want and i know what i need to do. i have one hell of a simple life. people just dont get it. its one with too many dreams in it. each one i gotta achieve. if HE doesnt understand that, then baby, we're not meant to be together.
9:10:00 AM 
